on: food for thought.

I love when classes are actually interesting. Here's some food for thought from my sociology book:

Belief: Most of the differences in the behaviors of women and men are based on "human nature"; men and women are just plain different from each other. Research shows that biological factors certainly play a part in the behaviors of men and women, but the culture (beliefs, values, rules and way of life) that people learn as they grow up determines how biological tendencies are played out. A unique example illustrates this: In the Wodaabe tribe in Africa, women do most of the heavy work while men adorn themselves with makeup, sip tea and gossip. Variations in behavior of men and women around the world are so great that it is impossible to attribute behavior to biology or human nature alone.

Belief: As developing countries modernize, the lives of their female citizens improve. This is generally false. In fact, the status of women in many developed and developing countries is getting worse. Women make up roughtly 51% of the world's more than 6.7 billion people and account for two-thirds of the worlds hours at work. However, in no country for which data are available do they earn what men earn, and sometimes, the figures show women earning less than 50% of men's earnings for similar work. Women hold many unpaid jobs in agriculture, and they own only 1% of the worlds property. Furthermore, of the worlds 1 billion illeterate adults, two thirds are women. Only 77% of the worlds women over age 15 can read and write compared to 87% of men. Illiteracy rates for women in South Asia, sub-Saharan Africa, and the Middle East are highest in the world, implying lack of access to weducation. These are only a few examples of the continuting poor status of women in many countries. (Institute for Statistics, World Factbook)

on: devotional of the day, Oswald is a smart guy.

"'Consider the lilies of the field...' (Matt 6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don't take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the "much more" He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day of my life?"
- My Utmost for His Highest


Ouch. Big words. Big demands. Big truths. This hit me hard. Am I growing where God planted me? Am I obeying the life God has given me? Am I continually separating myself and looking to God? Every day?

on: 2011.

I really wasn't planning on writing a reflection blog about 2011. Unlike last year, I really didn't think anything was worth noting. I didn't have any huge defining moments. No big life change. For the most part, I woke up, went to school, went to church, kissed rob goodnight and then went to sleep.

Until the weekend of new years I was listening to pastor speak and he was reiterating how there is power in each day, and how we need to embrace and use that power wisely. How each day can make a difference in eternity no matter what we think. So I began thinking about the past year. Realizing that every day I lived last year was indeed important, regardless of what I think or how I feel.

I started thinking about writing this blog, and I realized that there were some milestones that I reached this year. Some parts of me that were changed forever. I still don't have a lot to say, but there were some things that stood out among the rest.

In April I had one of the most tumultuous weeks of my life. Emotional insanity, highs and lows, tough conversations, all while we were moving into our new church building (so not sleeping).

I learned what it's like to stand by someone through all obstacles. I learned what it's like to be trusted with the deepest parts of someone. To air out your skeletons and to see what the person you love thinks of you afterwards. The welcome weight that comes along with that knowledge. The incredibly different world you step into in the relationship following that. I learned what it's like to stand by someone when people you trust intensely have different opinions of them. What it's like to disagree with a leader. The kind of internal struggle that comes up after deciding to stand up like that. And the best part about it is that I left all of these separate situations much stronger. A stronger woman, a stronger girlfriend, a stronger follower of Christ. A stronger leader. These things tested my resiliency and my relationships, and only through Christ did I prevail, because there was so much rough in this year.

I completed my first semester of college during which I only got A's and B's, finally. I narrowed down my major. I started working on rebuilding a lot of burnt bridges. I watched two of my best friends get engaged, one get married.

If I had to put it into one word, it would be a year of commitment. A year of something that I'm not terribly familiar with. And I've decided that I know way too little about last year. I didn't take enough pictures, blog enough times, journal enough prayers. I have to be more intentional about what I do to document my year. And I have to realize exactly what weight each day this year holds. I have the power of eternity in every single day. What a beautiful realization.

This song came out just a few days ago and is so perfect for what I've experienced this year. Listen and read along. I promise it's worth your 4 minutes.

"we had to learn, how to bend,
without the world, caving in.
i had to learn, what i've got, and what i'm not
and who i am.
i won't give up on us.
even if the skies get rough.
i'm giving you all my love,
i'm still looking up, i'm still looking up.
i won't give up on us.
god knows i'm tough enough.
i'm giving you all my love,
god knows we're worth it."

on: where the road really leads.

Most of my blogs I try to write only after things have fallen together in one way or another. When I'm in a place of retrospection and I have a good story to tell. This time, I've been waiting and waiting to come to some sort of conclusion to tell the story. Well, it hasn't happened yet and actually looks like it might be months away. So here we go anyway.

For months I've felt this stirring in me to move again. It's why I applied for another internship for the summer. It's probably why I've been so distracted. But I've had a hard time distinguishing what is the life God has for me and what is my own selfish impulse. Is my love for California and the coast a real drive to live there, or just something I want to do? I've heard it said that one of biggest ways to obey God was to stay put where He puts you. I've had an incredibly difficult time discerning ANYTHING.

At the same time that my wanting to move is happening, I'm realizing that I'm really, really not doing so well at UNM. That I don't love the campus. That I thrive on community that doesn't exist at UNM. That I honestly don't manage my time very well. That failing this many classes isn't good. That I want to live on campus and dedicate all of my time to school, so I can come home and dedicate all of my time to church in the summers. I've realized that I really, really want to move away to finish college. Go out of state. Anywhere, really.

All of this happened right around the time that UNM let me know that, again, my financial aid fell through. So I registered myself at CNM, and after paying a 30 dollar fee to get my ACT scores sent there, I'll officially be taking classes at a more inexpensive school until I figure out what's next.

Don't get me wrong, this whole concept terrifies me. I don't even know where to start. But looking at this all written down, I guess all of this just kind of works out in a way that is a little too specific to just call neat. I'm just thinking God is working through me and calling me to other things. And I really, really don't think I'll finish school anytime soon at UNM.

This blog has no real value to anyone but me, I guess. No one thing that brings it all together, like most of the other things I write. But writing it helps me figure it out, which is the reason I started blogging in the first place. But, if you see me at CNM this fall and you see me applying for schools in random places, don't be too surprised.

Mom and Dad - we'll talk about this more I promise. Just know that I'm trying to do the most responsible and important thing for me. I know that I am capable of so much and I don't want to waste my college years. I want to travel and live in another place and I want to graduate and I don't feel like this is the best place for me to do this anymore. And I'm terrified and thrilled to think about other options.

Copper Pointe - I promise I won't be gone forever, or even if I'm really leaving. I'll just be another college student who comes home. Also, for all of you who I know will wonder about this, yes, Rob knows and yes, we're totally amazing better than ever like usual. :)

on: magic.

People love magic. They adore the cute rabbits hiding inside hats and the card tricks your nephew learned online. The kind of cute tricks that create instant awe and amusement. They love the feeling they get when they cant quite understand what happens behind the smoke screen, but they know it's amazing regardless.

There's a different kind of magic that has a different kind of effect. And it's something I've come in close contact with on multiple occasions in just this last few weeks. It's a kind of magic that takes work, and dedication. Where you create and build something with others. This magic doesn't work by itself, which is perhaps the most important part.

It's the kind of magic you feel when you're dancing with your best friends under the moonlight to an incredible band that you love. It's the kind of magic you feel when you can't sit still in your seat because the musical you're watching is just so stinking good. It's the kind of magic you feel when the person you love gives you the extra kiss goodnight. And it's the kind of magic you feel when your old peers, who then became your students, are graduating and creating something incredible, while leaving behind a legacy.

All of these things come from such a special place because they're all created from a special mix of love, dedication, art and spark. You can't have any of these magic moments without all of them. Without an intense passion for the show you're putting on, or the relationship you're building. Without a dedication to be the best teacher you can be, or creating the best work you possibly can. You also can't create the magic without the spark. The something that makes it special. The key ingredient. And it's very strange that in my life, I know so many sparks.

I have incredible magicians in my life. People who can take a regular moment and make it special. I've been to a ton of concerts in my life, of all kinds. Monday night's was special. Monday meant some of the most talented musicians I've ever seen. It was the kind of music you can feel. You can feel the heartbreak in the songs. You can feel the passion. You can feel the joy. It's not something you have to pay attention to, or listen closely for. They were telling us the story of their lives and they were SO talented that I laughed danced and cried along with them. They had that spark.

I've watched many classes graduate, but really none like this one. Michael, Scott, Tessa, Natalee, Michelle, you guys are a special level of incredible. You are the kind of people who can change things. The world, even. You guys have each become an incredible artist in your own way. You've become leaders, and you've barely started. You've learned and absorbed and and created. I admire you each so much. Please don't ever forget the art that you are so good at creating. The dedication that you have, and the talent that God's given you. Because I promise you, it is there for a reason. You each have the spark.


I've seen lots of musicals before, and even been in a few myself. But I've never experienced one like tonight. You guys set the stage on fire. You had me dancing in my seat. You had me singing along and feeling like I too could conquer the world (and change television forever.) Jonathan, you in particular were absolutely spectacular. You are sincerely one of the most talented performers I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I mean it. You command attention, you work hard and you're grounded. You were the perfect Link Larkin, and I would pay money for your version of It Takes Two. In.Credible. You have the spark. And everyone else on that stage tonight was of an UNBELIEVABLE standard. Ari, Mandy, Tyler, Jessica, Jonte, Easton. All of you. You ALL have the spark.

And you know too, I've kissed a lot of boys. Maybe more than I should have. But there's something special about the one I'm with. Rob, you too have the spark. You're an artist. You see this world in pictures and in motion. You see it in design and in film. You can create virtually anything with whatever parameters and time limit you're given, and you effectively and amazingly are spreading Christ through all of this. You know when blue lights looks better than red lights and you know how to create a mood and a scene on stage with nothing but light. You know how to present a package that can be well read and absorbed. You are passionate and dedicated and you truly love what you do. You bypass any obstacle and remain focused and grounded. And you're pretty cute too. You have the spark.

And being in the audience tonight made me remember when people used to tell me that I too, had that in me. And it's kinda crazy to believe now that I'm using that same spark that used to land me dance solos to pursue an International Management major. It's been pretty crazy to watch the artist in me collide with the business geek in me. They usually get along pretty well, and it makes all my econ homework a lot prettier than the other students. I know that one day my love for dance and for the stage and that spark that was struck within me will be what lands me THAT job, or THAT trip, or THAT promotion, because it's already landed me THAT internship. And that's what's so special about people with the spark. With the love in them. People who can truly create magic. Because whether it's behind the camera, working the soundboard, creating videos, performing live on stage, or landing the managers position, an artist will remain an artist. We see the world differently. As a stage, or a canvas, or a set.

All this to say, I'm proud and in awe of so many people around me. I am re-promising to myself to not lose the spark that taught me so many things. I am promising to instead use the art and the magic inside of me to pursue what my future looks like now, and to support and love all of the rest of these insanely incredible people too.

I also challenge you to create magic. To build up the relationships around you to a whole different level. To dance harder in your next class. To go for the audition you think you have no shot at. To kiss your boyfriend one more time. To do excellent in your next job interview. To see the world differently. Because if we all took a step back, and lived excellently while actively trying to create and build up these magic moments that we've all seen glimpses of, we will change the world.

Accept the challenge and create magic.

on: decisions.

Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm sorry I've neglected you, blog, for a month. I promise to never do it again. Please can we still be friends?

We all have to make decisions on a day to day basis. Sometimes it's as small as what type of coffee you'll have, and sometimes it's which guy you date, and sometimes it's where you live, or what you do. And sometimes the decisions can be life changing in a big way.

Yes, I'm in the middle of a decision. No, I won't tell you what it is. Yet.

Making a decision like what kind of coffee to get can be simple, doesn't really threaten you in any way and you can decide pretty quickly and move on with your day. It's the decisions that create tension and cause your hands to shake that are the ones that you'll really remember. The moments where you're laying awake at night crying begging for God to just speak to you so clearly so that you cannot miss what he says, but he still seems to remain quiet. It's the moments when push comes to shove and the deadline is approaching and you still have no idea what to do. It's when both options seem incredible validated and correct. (With me yet? Tell me I'm not the only one here.) It's when you're filling out the application, or asking the questions, or quitting the job. When you're taking a huge risk and stepping out of the boat with faith that Jesus will get you to walk on water.

Because isn't that what a decision like that is all about? It's about making a move that you know you can't do all by yourself. It's about trusting that Jesus is gonna pull you through, because for some reason you can't shake the knowledge that He wants you taking that path, choosing that job, dating that guy, even though the outcome seems incredibly impossible.

My last 2 years have been FULL of seemingly impossible decisions. Lots of sleepless nights trying to decipher whether I really should live here or not, whether Christ really wants me to date him or not, where I should work and who I should live with. And every single one of those moments I've seen Jesus show up, at the perfect time, to calm my shaking hands, give me the oxygen I wasn't taking in on my own, and walk me across the water. The toughest decisions have the highest payoffs, and it's during these decisions that I most often have the overwhelming presence of God. Where all of the sudden I just KNOW the choice I need to make. Isn't that something? That when I am in need of guidance, in that most critical moment, He absolutely never fails to show up. It almost makes me look forward to these decisions. To those moments where I'm struck by fear and I can't move one way or another simply because what's on the line seems huge to me. I look forward to experiencing God's undeniable presence, even though I cannot stand every moment of insecurity leading up to that moment.

That happened again last week. Where all of the sudden I knew I knew what I needed to do. And now that decision is not in my hands anymore. I took my step out of the boat because of God's undeniable voice. He worked through Rob in a way I doubt Rob even realizes, and gave me the strength to listen to the big scary voice with the choice that I didn't want to make. The choice I made was not my own, although I'm coming around to it. The choice I made, however, I know was God's choice for me, and He used every available outlet to tell that to me. Until I finally sucked it up and listened. (It's also amazing how every single time, God's gotten me to the absolute RIGHT decision, yet every time I still am afraid to take the choice I know He wants me too. That's another blog.)

I don't really know what all of this is to say except that God is great. He's working in my life more than ever these days and is showing me dreams and visions of what my life is going to look like. He's planning out the steps for me and he's putting me up to these hard, hard decisions for me to get there. Beth Moore said something in our study this last week that I cannot ignore. I know God put it there for me for this decision exactly. She said "As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when it was said and done, I'd sit on the side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life."

And that right there is the realization I'm coming to these days. That I am not called to an easy life, and the people around me might not accept or understand my decision in any way. They might think I'm crazy and doubt that this is actually what God wants for my life. That's part of the fun, I guess, though. Because through all of that I get to see God work. When I can release details, I will. But for now, I'm just praising God for getting me here, and for giving me the answer to this seemingly impossible question. And thanks again, Rob, for working in a way you might not realize. For inspiring me and encouraging me. For showing me that a person can thrive in a tough decision and a tough environment, if you rely on something greater than yourself. I'm never anything but amazed watching you.

All this being said, I can't wait to report to you what happens when all of this is worked through. Either way, it will be a great story of God working in my life. And I know I know that living in the life God has for me is always going to be the best thing I could do.

on: sexuality. yeah, i said it.

It's 1:01 am, I have ten tons of homework to do, I'm 3 days behind in my bible study and I only slept 4 hours last night. Yet something won't let me settle in calmly. I heard a very talented man speak on a subject dear to my heart today and I'm not really sure how to digest it yet. We'll see if this helps. Please prepare for some unrehearsed statements.

His name is Ricky Chelette (the t's ARE pronounced, I learned) and he is the executive director of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Texas. (livehope.org is their website) His organization helps people who struggle with sexual struggles of any kind, particularly people who struggle with homosexuality.

Before I go any further, let's get something out on the table. I mean what I say when I say 'struggle with homosexuality' or 'same gender attraction' as Ricky put it. I believe in every word of the bible, I believe that God created man and woman to be together and I don't believe that people can be living in God's full will while living in a homosexual lifestyle. Same as I believe that people can't be living in God's full will for their lives while they're addicted to pornography or cheating on their wife or having sex outside of marriage or anything else that is just pulling them away from Christ and following him. Not condemning homosexual behavior ANY more than my own, because we are ALL in need of a savior and I am always very aware of my short comings and struggles and sins and, well, hopefully you get the picture at this point.

That all being said, there's always been a soft spot in my heart for those who deal with same gender attraction. (Enter ex-boyfriend jokes here. If you know the stories then yes, you can laugh.) Now that the jokes are over, I'm being completely serious. I've dealt with a lot of sexual issues in my past too. I've had sex, I've gotten addicted to the power of it, and I got worn out by the emotional wars that come when sex isn't in God's will. That's another blog.  I have always, though, really searched for an answer and for a straight black and white answer that wasn't so harsh as what is generally perceived from Christians towards people who struggle with all this.

I get offended when people make gay jokes. I hate when people use the word gay as some sort of slang or derrogatory term. But I do think the behavior is wrong, so I've always been confused about how to completely conquer the topic. (Do you see the thought vomit yet? Still don't really know where I'm going with this...)

But today everything Ricky said made complete sense. I know that the way we're genetically predisposed changes how we need to be nurtured. I understand what he said when he talked about the difference between a mother's love and affection and a father's love and affection in a young boy. And I know that some of my closest guy friends are who Ricky called the "sensitive" type, who may be more predisposed to struggle with homosexual behavior. And I love them even more because of that. Because they know who they are in God's sight and they are men of God regardless of who the outside world would label them as. I think that Ricky's way of talking through every little detail that men go through was extremely insightful and I will never forget that information when I have children. (Which I feel like I WILL have a son, just because I'll have NO CLUE what to do with a son. Oh Lord.) I just cannot express the value of the information and insight Ricky shared.

That being said too, I absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot stand when someone can take one look at a man's behavior and immediately label him as gay. If he has dispositions one way or another and behaviors one way or another that says nothing about his sexuality. I've met some pretty dang flamboyant men who were being outrageous for Christ. And no one would know on first glance. Also, know that I'm not saying that homosexuality is something that's easy to combat or understand or comprehend or shake off. I only know that Ricky gave some awesome ways of beginning to unravel the mystery today.

All of this may be called naive or childish and I might be called a blind Christian or whatever. But like I said, I believe that it's wrong, just like all my struggles are too. I just know that I have this heart in me for people who struggle sexually. Because I've known some incredible men who have. And I personally have struggled sexually beyond belief. I'm just all wrapped up in thought about it tonight and if this confused or offended anyone, totally sorry.

Tomorrow I might have another blog, because tomorrow I'm getting to see him again, where he'll be talking more about woman's sexuality. Really excited. Stay tuned for more sexuality thought vomit. (Yikes.)