on: food for thought.

I love when classes are actually interesting. Here's some food for thought from my sociology book:

Belief: Most of the differences in the behaviors of women and men are based on "human nature"; men and women are just plain different from each other. Research shows that biological factors certainly play a part in the behaviors of men and women, but the culture (beliefs, values, rules and way of life) that people learn as they grow up determines how biological tendencies are played out. A unique example illustrates this: In the Wodaabe tribe in Africa, women do most of the heavy work while men adorn themselves with makeup, sip tea and gossip. Variations in behavior of men and women around the world are so great that it is impossible to attribute behavior to biology or human nature alone.

Belief: As developing countries modernize, the lives of their female citizens improve. This is generally false. In fact, the status of women in many developed and developing countries is getting worse. Women make up roughtly 51% of the world's more than 6.7 billion people and account for two-thirds of the worlds hours at work. However, in no country for which data are available do they earn what men earn, and sometimes, the figures show women earning less than 50% of men's earnings for similar work. Women hold many unpaid jobs in agriculture, and they own only 1% of the worlds property. Furthermore, of the worlds 1 billion illeterate adults, two thirds are women. Only 77% of the worlds women over age 15 can read and write compared to 87% of men. Illiteracy rates for women in South Asia, sub-Saharan Africa, and the Middle East are highest in the world, implying lack of access to weducation. These are only a few examples of the continuting poor status of women in many countries. (Institute for Statistics, World Factbook)

on: devotional of the day, Oswald is a smart guy.

"'Consider the lilies of the field...' (Matt 6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don't take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the "much more" He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day of my life?"
- My Utmost for His Highest


Ouch. Big words. Big demands. Big truths. This hit me hard. Am I growing where God planted me? Am I obeying the life God has given me? Am I continually separating myself and looking to God? Every day?

on: 2011.

I really wasn't planning on writing a reflection blog about 2011. Unlike last year, I really didn't think anything was worth noting. I didn't have any huge defining moments. No big life change. For the most part, I woke up, went to school, went to church, kissed rob goodnight and then went to sleep.

Until the weekend of new years I was listening to pastor speak and he was reiterating how there is power in each day, and how we need to embrace and use that power wisely. How each day can make a difference in eternity no matter what we think. So I began thinking about the past year. Realizing that every day I lived last year was indeed important, regardless of what I think or how I feel.

I started thinking about writing this blog, and I realized that there were some milestones that I reached this year. Some parts of me that were changed forever. I still don't have a lot to say, but there were some things that stood out among the rest.

In April I had one of the most tumultuous weeks of my life. Emotional insanity, highs and lows, tough conversations, all while we were moving into our new church building (so not sleeping).

I learned what it's like to stand by someone through all obstacles. I learned what it's like to be trusted with the deepest parts of someone. To air out your skeletons and to see what the person you love thinks of you afterwards. The welcome weight that comes along with that knowledge. The incredibly different world you step into in the relationship following that. I learned what it's like to stand by someone when people you trust intensely have different opinions of them. What it's like to disagree with a leader. The kind of internal struggle that comes up after deciding to stand up like that. And the best part about it is that I left all of these separate situations much stronger. A stronger woman, a stronger girlfriend, a stronger follower of Christ. A stronger leader. These things tested my resiliency and my relationships, and only through Christ did I prevail, because there was so much rough in this year.

I completed my first semester of college during which I only got A's and B's, finally. I narrowed down my major. I started working on rebuilding a lot of burnt bridges. I watched two of my best friends get engaged, one get married.

If I had to put it into one word, it would be a year of commitment. A year of something that I'm not terribly familiar with. And I've decided that I know way too little about last year. I didn't take enough pictures, blog enough times, journal enough prayers. I have to be more intentional about what I do to document my year. And I have to realize exactly what weight each day this year holds. I have the power of eternity in every single day. What a beautiful realization.

This song came out just a few days ago and is so perfect for what I've experienced this year. Listen and read along. I promise it's worth your 4 minutes.

"we had to learn, how to bend,
without the world, caving in.
i had to learn, what i've got, and what i'm not
and who i am.
i won't give up on us.
even if the skies get rough.
i'm giving you all my love,
i'm still looking up, i'm still looking up.
i won't give up on us.
god knows i'm tough enough.
i'm giving you all my love,
god knows we're worth it."

on: where the road really leads.

Most of my blogs I try to write only after things have fallen together in one way or another. When I'm in a place of retrospection and I have a good story to tell. This time, I've been waiting and waiting to come to some sort of conclusion to tell the story. Well, it hasn't happened yet and actually looks like it might be months away. So here we go anyway.

For months I've felt this stirring in me to move again. It's why I applied for another internship for the summer. It's probably why I've been so distracted. But I've had a hard time distinguishing what is the life God has for me and what is my own selfish impulse. Is my love for California and the coast a real drive to live there, or just something I want to do? I've heard it said that one of biggest ways to obey God was to stay put where He puts you. I've had an incredibly difficult time discerning ANYTHING.

At the same time that my wanting to move is happening, I'm realizing that I'm really, really not doing so well at UNM. That I don't love the campus. That I thrive on community that doesn't exist at UNM. That I honestly don't manage my time very well. That failing this many classes isn't good. That I want to live on campus and dedicate all of my time to school, so I can come home and dedicate all of my time to church in the summers. I've realized that I really, really want to move away to finish college. Go out of state. Anywhere, really.

All of this happened right around the time that UNM let me know that, again, my financial aid fell through. So I registered myself at CNM, and after paying a 30 dollar fee to get my ACT scores sent there, I'll officially be taking classes at a more inexpensive school until I figure out what's next.

Don't get me wrong, this whole concept terrifies me. I don't even know where to start. But looking at this all written down, I guess all of this just kind of works out in a way that is a little too specific to just call neat. I'm just thinking God is working through me and calling me to other things. And I really, really don't think I'll finish school anytime soon at UNM.

This blog has no real value to anyone but me, I guess. No one thing that brings it all together, like most of the other things I write. But writing it helps me figure it out, which is the reason I started blogging in the first place. But, if you see me at CNM this fall and you see me applying for schools in random places, don't be too surprised.

Mom and Dad - we'll talk about this more I promise. Just know that I'm trying to do the most responsible and important thing for me. I know that I am capable of so much and I don't want to waste my college years. I want to travel and live in another place and I want to graduate and I don't feel like this is the best place for me to do this anymore. And I'm terrified and thrilled to think about other options.

Copper Pointe - I promise I won't be gone forever, or even if I'm really leaving. I'll just be another college student who comes home. Also, for all of you who I know will wonder about this, yes, Rob knows and yes, we're totally amazing better than ever like usual. :)

on: magic.

People love magic. They adore the cute rabbits hiding inside hats and the card tricks your nephew learned online. The kind of cute tricks that create instant awe and amusement. They love the feeling they get when they cant quite understand what happens behind the smoke screen, but they know it's amazing regardless.

There's a different kind of magic that has a different kind of effect. And it's something I've come in close contact with on multiple occasions in just this last few weeks. It's a kind of magic that takes work, and dedication. Where you create and build something with others. This magic doesn't work by itself, which is perhaps the most important part.

It's the kind of magic you feel when you're dancing with your best friends under the moonlight to an incredible band that you love. It's the kind of magic you feel when you can't sit still in your seat because the musical you're watching is just so stinking good. It's the kind of magic you feel when the person you love gives you the extra kiss goodnight. And it's the kind of magic you feel when your old peers, who then became your students, are graduating and creating something incredible, while leaving behind a legacy.

All of these things come from such a special place because they're all created from a special mix of love, dedication, art and spark. You can't have any of these magic moments without all of them. Without an intense passion for the show you're putting on, or the relationship you're building. Without a dedication to be the best teacher you can be, or creating the best work you possibly can. You also can't create the magic without the spark. The something that makes it special. The key ingredient. And it's very strange that in my life, I know so many sparks.

I have incredible magicians in my life. People who can take a regular moment and make it special. I've been to a ton of concerts in my life, of all kinds. Monday night's was special. Monday meant some of the most talented musicians I've ever seen. It was the kind of music you can feel. You can feel the heartbreak in the songs. You can feel the passion. You can feel the joy. It's not something you have to pay attention to, or listen closely for. They were telling us the story of their lives and they were SO talented that I laughed danced and cried along with them. They had that spark.

I've watched many classes graduate, but really none like this one. Michael, Scott, Tessa, Natalee, Michelle, you guys are a special level of incredible. You are the kind of people who can change things. The world, even. You guys have each become an incredible artist in your own way. You've become leaders, and you've barely started. You've learned and absorbed and and created. I admire you each so much. Please don't ever forget the art that you are so good at creating. The dedication that you have, and the talent that God's given you. Because I promise you, it is there for a reason. You each have the spark.


I've seen lots of musicals before, and even been in a few myself. But I've never experienced one like tonight. You guys set the stage on fire. You had me dancing in my seat. You had me singing along and feeling like I too could conquer the world (and change television forever.) Jonathan, you in particular were absolutely spectacular. You are sincerely one of the most talented performers I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I mean it. You command attention, you work hard and you're grounded. You were the perfect Link Larkin, and I would pay money for your version of It Takes Two. In.Credible. You have the spark. And everyone else on that stage tonight was of an UNBELIEVABLE standard. Ari, Mandy, Tyler, Jessica, Jonte, Easton. All of you. You ALL have the spark.

And you know too, I've kissed a lot of boys. Maybe more than I should have. But there's something special about the one I'm with. Rob, you too have the spark. You're an artist. You see this world in pictures and in motion. You see it in design and in film. You can create virtually anything with whatever parameters and time limit you're given, and you effectively and amazingly are spreading Christ through all of this. You know when blue lights looks better than red lights and you know how to create a mood and a scene on stage with nothing but light. You know how to present a package that can be well read and absorbed. You are passionate and dedicated and you truly love what you do. You bypass any obstacle and remain focused and grounded. And you're pretty cute too. You have the spark.

And being in the audience tonight made me remember when people used to tell me that I too, had that in me. And it's kinda crazy to believe now that I'm using that same spark that used to land me dance solos to pursue an International Management major. It's been pretty crazy to watch the artist in me collide with the business geek in me. They usually get along pretty well, and it makes all my econ homework a lot prettier than the other students. I know that one day my love for dance and for the stage and that spark that was struck within me will be what lands me THAT job, or THAT trip, or THAT promotion, because it's already landed me THAT internship. And that's what's so special about people with the spark. With the love in them. People who can truly create magic. Because whether it's behind the camera, working the soundboard, creating videos, performing live on stage, or landing the managers position, an artist will remain an artist. We see the world differently. As a stage, or a canvas, or a set.

All this to say, I'm proud and in awe of so many people around me. I am re-promising to myself to not lose the spark that taught me so many things. I am promising to instead use the art and the magic inside of me to pursue what my future looks like now, and to support and love all of the rest of these insanely incredible people too.

I also challenge you to create magic. To build up the relationships around you to a whole different level. To dance harder in your next class. To go for the audition you think you have no shot at. To kiss your boyfriend one more time. To do excellent in your next job interview. To see the world differently. Because if we all took a step back, and lived excellently while actively trying to create and build up these magic moments that we've all seen glimpses of, we will change the world.

Accept the challenge and create magic.

on: decisions.

Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm sorry I've neglected you, blog, for a month. I promise to never do it again. Please can we still be friends?

We all have to make decisions on a day to day basis. Sometimes it's as small as what type of coffee you'll have, and sometimes it's which guy you date, and sometimes it's where you live, or what you do. And sometimes the decisions can be life changing in a big way.

Yes, I'm in the middle of a decision. No, I won't tell you what it is. Yet.

Making a decision like what kind of coffee to get can be simple, doesn't really threaten you in any way and you can decide pretty quickly and move on with your day. It's the decisions that create tension and cause your hands to shake that are the ones that you'll really remember. The moments where you're laying awake at night crying begging for God to just speak to you so clearly so that you cannot miss what he says, but he still seems to remain quiet. It's the moments when push comes to shove and the deadline is approaching and you still have no idea what to do. It's when both options seem incredible validated and correct. (With me yet? Tell me I'm not the only one here.) It's when you're filling out the application, or asking the questions, or quitting the job. When you're taking a huge risk and stepping out of the boat with faith that Jesus will get you to walk on water.

Because isn't that what a decision like that is all about? It's about making a move that you know you can't do all by yourself. It's about trusting that Jesus is gonna pull you through, because for some reason you can't shake the knowledge that He wants you taking that path, choosing that job, dating that guy, even though the outcome seems incredibly impossible.

My last 2 years have been FULL of seemingly impossible decisions. Lots of sleepless nights trying to decipher whether I really should live here or not, whether Christ really wants me to date him or not, where I should work and who I should live with. And every single one of those moments I've seen Jesus show up, at the perfect time, to calm my shaking hands, give me the oxygen I wasn't taking in on my own, and walk me across the water. The toughest decisions have the highest payoffs, and it's during these decisions that I most often have the overwhelming presence of God. Where all of the sudden I just KNOW the choice I need to make. Isn't that something? That when I am in need of guidance, in that most critical moment, He absolutely never fails to show up. It almost makes me look forward to these decisions. To those moments where I'm struck by fear and I can't move one way or another simply because what's on the line seems huge to me. I look forward to experiencing God's undeniable presence, even though I cannot stand every moment of insecurity leading up to that moment.

That happened again last week. Where all of the sudden I knew I knew what I needed to do. And now that decision is not in my hands anymore. I took my step out of the boat because of God's undeniable voice. He worked through Rob in a way I doubt Rob even realizes, and gave me the strength to listen to the big scary voice with the choice that I didn't want to make. The choice I made was not my own, although I'm coming around to it. The choice I made, however, I know was God's choice for me, and He used every available outlet to tell that to me. Until I finally sucked it up and listened. (It's also amazing how every single time, God's gotten me to the absolute RIGHT decision, yet every time I still am afraid to take the choice I know He wants me too. That's another blog.)

I don't really know what all of this is to say except that God is great. He's working in my life more than ever these days and is showing me dreams and visions of what my life is going to look like. He's planning out the steps for me and he's putting me up to these hard, hard decisions for me to get there. Beth Moore said something in our study this last week that I cannot ignore. I know God put it there for me for this decision exactly. She said "As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when it was said and done, I'd sit on the side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life."

And that right there is the realization I'm coming to these days. That I am not called to an easy life, and the people around me might not accept or understand my decision in any way. They might think I'm crazy and doubt that this is actually what God wants for my life. That's part of the fun, I guess, though. Because through all of that I get to see God work. When I can release details, I will. But for now, I'm just praising God for getting me here, and for giving me the answer to this seemingly impossible question. And thanks again, Rob, for working in a way you might not realize. For inspiring me and encouraging me. For showing me that a person can thrive in a tough decision and a tough environment, if you rely on something greater than yourself. I'm never anything but amazed watching you.

All this being said, I can't wait to report to you what happens when all of this is worked through. Either way, it will be a great story of God working in my life. And I know I know that living in the life God has for me is always going to be the best thing I could do.

on: sexuality. yeah, i said it.

It's 1:01 am, I have ten tons of homework to do, I'm 3 days behind in my bible study and I only slept 4 hours last night. Yet something won't let me settle in calmly. I heard a very talented man speak on a subject dear to my heart today and I'm not really sure how to digest it yet. We'll see if this helps. Please prepare for some unrehearsed statements.

His name is Ricky Chelette (the t's ARE pronounced, I learned) and he is the executive director of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Texas. (livehope.org is their website) His organization helps people who struggle with sexual struggles of any kind, particularly people who struggle with homosexuality.

Before I go any further, let's get something out on the table. I mean what I say when I say 'struggle with homosexuality' or 'same gender attraction' as Ricky put it. I believe in every word of the bible, I believe that God created man and woman to be together and I don't believe that people can be living in God's full will while living in a homosexual lifestyle. Same as I believe that people can't be living in God's full will for their lives while they're addicted to pornography or cheating on their wife or having sex outside of marriage or anything else that is just pulling them away from Christ and following him. Not condemning homosexual behavior ANY more than my own, because we are ALL in need of a savior and I am always very aware of my short comings and struggles and sins and, well, hopefully you get the picture at this point.

That all being said, there's always been a soft spot in my heart for those who deal with same gender attraction. (Enter ex-boyfriend jokes here. If you know the stories then yes, you can laugh.) Now that the jokes are over, I'm being completely serious. I've dealt with a lot of sexual issues in my past too. I've had sex, I've gotten addicted to the power of it, and I got worn out by the emotional wars that come when sex isn't in God's will. That's another blog.  I have always, though, really searched for an answer and for a straight black and white answer that wasn't so harsh as what is generally perceived from Christians towards people who struggle with all this.

I get offended when people make gay jokes. I hate when people use the word gay as some sort of slang or derrogatory term. But I do think the behavior is wrong, so I've always been confused about how to completely conquer the topic. (Do you see the thought vomit yet? Still don't really know where I'm going with this...)

But today everything Ricky said made complete sense. I know that the way we're genetically predisposed changes how we need to be nurtured. I understand what he said when he talked about the difference between a mother's love and affection and a father's love and affection in a young boy. And I know that some of my closest guy friends are who Ricky called the "sensitive" type, who may be more predisposed to struggle with homosexual behavior. And I love them even more because of that. Because they know who they are in God's sight and they are men of God regardless of who the outside world would label them as. I think that Ricky's way of talking through every little detail that men go through was extremely insightful and I will never forget that information when I have children. (Which I feel like I WILL have a son, just because I'll have NO CLUE what to do with a son. Oh Lord.) I just cannot express the value of the information and insight Ricky shared.

That being said too, I absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot stand when someone can take one look at a man's behavior and immediately label him as gay. If he has dispositions one way or another and behaviors one way or another that says nothing about his sexuality. I've met some pretty dang flamboyant men who were being outrageous for Christ. And no one would know on first glance. Also, know that I'm not saying that homosexuality is something that's easy to combat or understand or comprehend or shake off. I only know that Ricky gave some awesome ways of beginning to unravel the mystery today.

All of this may be called naive or childish and I might be called a blind Christian or whatever. But like I said, I believe that it's wrong, just like all my struggles are too. I just know that I have this heart in me for people who struggle sexually. Because I've known some incredible men who have. And I personally have struggled sexually beyond belief. I'm just all wrapped up in thought about it tonight and if this confused or offended anyone, totally sorry.

Tomorrow I might have another blog, because tomorrow I'm getting to see him again, where he'll be talking more about woman's sexuality. Really excited. Stay tuned for more sexuality thought vomit. (Yikes.)

on: ambition.

We all have some sort of inspiration. A blog, book, movie, album, artist, friend, sister. Something will get you going and no matter what subject it is, your life will feel re-motivated and you have this infectious sense that anything is possible. That that one thing you've always wanted to do is within reach.

While my inspiration comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, cheesy musicals and dance movies get me the most. And i think it's because I know that dance is a risky dream with high highs and low lows. That really truly pursuing dancing in the "real world" is a dare that some people, myself included, just won't accept taking. That dancers that stick through the years and years of heartache and rejection just to get your first real job are some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. So when I see people, even just in movies, really make the most of their talents and passion, I get inspired.

That inspiration gets me to the studio. Just watching people fulfill their dreams of dancing makes me go back, every time. And that's where the real magic happens. For whatever reason I best express myself with my movement, with my body. I learned early that everything that dance is is communication in a raw form. That while sure I love blogging and a great conversation is way on top of my favorite things list, true emotion absolutely cannot be expressed with words. It takes movement and touch. Dancing is my way of expressing, thinking and inventing, all at the same time. And it's no secret that I'm a physical person in all areas of my life. I'm always the girl jumping up and down and dancing around during worship, because I don't express my worship best through my voice, I just wanna dance for Christ. And I can't tell the people I love most the half of it with my words. I get embarrassed and shy when I try. But I'll play with your hair and hold your hand and kiss you goodnight every single night to express just how much you mean to me. For some reason my emotions are wired to go through my hands and feet more than my mouth.

So here I am again. Trying to find a ride to the studio tomorrow because even though I'm not in school and I don't have a car, I have that sense of hope and ambition that comes with dancing and that comes with faith. Some people call it naive and immature to believe that my life really is going to be okay with all of the madness that is constantly going on. Some of the people who should be my biggest supporters believe I spend too much time at the church, not enough time at school and that my dreams are naive and impossible. But I believe that God works through everything, specifically my talents and my passions and my big dreams, to inspire me in every aspect of my life. And if you are someone who thinks I'm naive or just plain dumb for having such hope and faith in the fact that God is using this time of my life for something greater, and that He gave me my use of the physical for His plans, I challenge you to think about the one thing that inspires you most. If you're a mathematician, math might not be your best inspirer, but instead perhaps the piano. Or if you're an artist, maybe reading a great book gets you there. Just because I have a heart for service and for business, doesn't mean that dance isn't the thing that has always gotten me along, that has always opened up my mind and my heart to things that are otherwise impossible. God works in and through everything, and I can't wait to see what he reveals to me in the sweat and tears of the studio.

on: one year.

If I look back at myself one year ago, I hardly recognize myself. 2010 was a year of intense growth and calling. Prepare for a lot in this blog. It's kinda long. Oops.

One year ago January was a rough month for me. I was completely lost here in Albuquerque. I had to idea why God brought me home and living here was the last thing I wanted to do. I was sick of the same places and the same things. And I wasn't in school and I was just running circles around myself in my room. I was suffering from bad insomnia and wouldn't sleep until 6 or 7 every morning, then would sleep the day away until Rob or Carol called me. I had no drive or vision for my life here. I only could think about the beautiful life that I left behind in San Diego for some completely unseen reason. Still to this day I struggle with missing the beach and Sunset Cliffs and the little coffee shops down the street from our house and dancing with my roommates in the kitchen and having conversations from the end of the pier. But I never plan on visiting the horrible darkness of that month ever again.

There are several things I can name that got me out of that place. Firstly, Rob. I'd spend my late nights with him. Walmart runs and watching Zenon (1,2 and 3) and making tacos and watching House were the only things that truly kept me human. He was the one person around me who truly understood what I was going through and wouldn't judge me or tell me to just get over it during that time. Leaving SD was tough, and he didn't try to tell me it wasn't. He just walked with me through it.

Second, Boiling Point. I'd only been involved with 212 about a month when Boiling Point came around. When I was there I realized that no matter what my family or society said, God is real. And my obsession with people and helping hurting people isn't just me being nice. It's a calling to do that to serve people, and to be Christ's hands and feet for the rest of my life. And it was time spent with the students who were experiencing the same thing. And it meant breakfasts with students from Texas and then games with kids from down the street. It was an experience that taught me that I can find a community here too, that will be just as encouraging and incredible and amazing as the one I had just left. 

(I forgot this until I got to the end, but chronologically it belongs here. I also spent my winter and beginning of spring launching the Portales Wake campus. This was seriously the highlight of my week, every week. I was able to spend time with my favorite people and we created quite a bunch. We had so much fun headed out to the sticks every week and complaining about Floyd and it was a huge part of my healing process, likely had something to do with the van...)

As spring moved in and I finally was able to shake winter off and put all of that hardship behind me, I dug in fully to 212. I began to grow as I watched these student grow. Wake and 212 were truly able to teach me about the community I've found here. God was working in me and I learned a lot about His heart, his vision for me, and became more and more confident in Him everyday. I can honestly say that this year I've been the closest to God I've ever been. In the spring and summer specifically He was active and moving and I was along for the very, very fast ride. I was completely dependent on God for the first time in my life, because I knew I could never do everything I was doing on my own. I could never be the person these students need without Him. I could never be any sort of glow team leader without Him, let alone being in charge of everything I'm doing now. He's led me on a wild ride being involved in Copper Pointe with everything from weeding car stickers all night long to making boiling pointe binders on my birthday to spray painting the stage for Christmas Eve to dancing to On Site. 

Also spring meant my first date with Rob. of which we technically had 2. March 12th we were supposed to go on our first date. (Also, it's worth mentioning that February involved some of the most frustrating moments of my life trying to figure out if Rob was just the world's greatest gentlemen, or the worlds greatest best friend, or flirting with me, or all three. I had absolutely no idea what to think about the situation besides the fact that I was crazy about him and had no idea how to cross the line. Which he ended up doing in the best way possible. So really I had nothing to freak out about. But I did. Everyday.)

March 12th, however, the roadies were in town. As well as 14 people who had just finished sleeping outside of Senator Coburns office in Oklahoma City. So our first "date" meant eating Chick-Fil-A with the roadies and Tony and Richard, and showing them Shirley and the sunset. It was the perfect bridge of my worlds. And a really great picture of the magic that was to come. And literally every day since that day things have only gotten better and better. I learned that sometimes seeing him meant spending the wee hours of the morning with him at the church while he worked and I helped as best I could. And I learned that he is one of the most intelligent men anyone will meet. He knows what to do, no matter what you're doing. He is incredible at his work and He follows God where he leads. He leads students with ease and isn't afraid to stand strong in his opinion. He also opens my car doors and randomly buys me lunch and pumps my gas and watches my ballet classes. I love thinking about the lives we're creating. 

Then summer came. And summer meant late nights with my best friends. Swimming at my dad's every week. MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD. Frozen yogurt and trips to Denver (one of my favorite trips I've ever had) and Rob getting sunburnt and movies and so much love. Delaney was home from South Africa and I got to reconnect with her all summer long. Catan games every Sunday and 212 every Tuesday. Then July 12th happened. I'll never forget that day as long as I live.

It was a Sunday. We all had gone to church the night before so we could watch the World Cup game at Rob's Parents place, which started at noon. There were SO many people there. Lots of food, and cheering and vuvuzelas and it was amazing! A good game and so much love. I had a Therefore Go meeting that day at 4, and right before I left Rob's house to head to flying star, I heard from Natalie that there was a bombing in Kampala, Uganda. We immediately started trying to figure out if we had any friends there, as most of the time our friends are far north of Kampala. I spent the meeting working hard on stalking every news site, twitter and facebook contact I could find. Having this pit in my stomach knowing that I have people I love at risk. We heard that there was an American killed, and several others wounded. I headed back to Rob's house, with still no idea where my friends were, and if they were safe. We began watching Sherlock Holmes. I was clinging to my phone. Natalie calls, I step outside right as Natalie tells me that our friend and IC family member Nate was the american killed. I fell to the ground in Rob's front yard, not knowing what to think. I don't think either of us said anything for at least 2 minutes. Rob came outside and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him no, hang up with Natalie, and actually say out loud "Nate is the American who died. My friend Nate just died."

And even though we know that Nate was a man of God and he beat us all to heaven, the mourning process was one that I was seriously unfamiliar with. I'd never known anyone who had died. I didn't even know how to breathe for the next 2 days. I ate french fries and coffee the next day at work. And nearly threw up every time I had some free time. That weekend was Nate's memorial. Shawn and I drove to San Diego to be with the family and to celebrate the life that Nate lived. I stayed at the Roadie house, I drove around San Diego with Shawn and Natalie. We went to our old Yogurtland and our favorite beach. We celebrated a blessed life. 

And like any death does, it made me really think hard about the families and the circles I'm in. The influence I have on people. The influence Nate had on me. The next week, Chris Baillie died in a hiking accident. I was floored that God took two faithful and revolutionary men from us within 9 days of each other. I was heart broken and numb for weeks. During the month of July I learned that this world can be more painful than I really had known before. I experienced death first hand.

"Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance. you are not alone in this, you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and we will hold your hand."

July 14th I became Rob's girlfriend, officially. (What a week, I know.) And the 6 months since then have been months full of commitment and service and true care for one another. Of sunrises and sunsets and trips to Santa Fe and dinners with his family and Christmas together and I could spend an entire blog this length talking only about him, but that'd bore most of you, so I will restrain myself. And it's more than just the cheesy things. It's doing nothing at his house, but knowing I'm always welcome there. It's talking about real things, real struggles and real frustrations. Real victories. It's knowing that I can count on him to answer his phone and never flake out. It's the security I've never had.

Looking back, the biggest events of my year happened before July. Needless to say, I learned a lot this year. I've been challenged and strengthened in my faith, and have found the community I've spent so much time yearning for. My best friends and my church have created the sort of world I've always wanted. The kind of family I have with Invisible Children. I cherish our late night chats and our hard talks and our catan games and our nights spent at the church cleaning the production loft more than I can ever say.

And I know a lot of this blog was just a chronological account of my year. But in all of these events and people and students and lives and interactions I've had the most incredible year of my life. If you're reading this, I promise you've had a part in my growth and my strength this year.

Looking forward, I know 2011 will be solely about God. I know that i want to challenge myself in my faith in ways I haven't yet and I want to know more about God's heart, now that I've learned an incredible amount about His church and His work here on earth. I know that God will be leading my relationship, my education, my leadership. Everything. And I want to work on letting God heal the hurts I have that I've never recognized or brought out in the open. I want God to help me in my insecurities and in my addictions and in my slip ups. And I want to be better at documenting it all. It feels good to be beginning a year with the drive and determination and focus and calling that I didn't have last year. I can't wait for things to take off.

I don't really know how to end this. I just spent 2 hours going over the last 12 months of my life and it's crazy to think that my life is barreling forward, and tomorrow and the next day and the next are days I'm going to remember. Sorry this has been quite a novel. I guess it was more for me than for you but if you made it this far I applaud you.

One year ago exactly, I blogged this.

What an amazing day this was. IC Fall 09 Family, I miss you and our soul food sundays. :)

so i got up off the couch and danced with them while they made food. they fried chicken for TWO HOURS. they made mashed potatoes by actually mashing potatoes. mac n cheese. biscuits. texas toast. sweet tea. hot sauce. we cooked for ever! dancing and singing in the kitchen. amazing swiffer guitar solos. for a while i snuck outside to the porch and listened to hailey and marshall and melissa play guitar and sing worship music while there was an absolutely incredible sunset outside. one side of the sky was swirly and blue and green and one side was deep pink and purple and hailey's voice and guitar playing was amazing.

back inside, all the guys were still playing the black eyed peas and james brown and queen and anything else they could make seem soulful. then christina and joleah and johannes showed up and we finished up the food. soon enough we were setting the table. and by setting the table i mean putting half of the old conference table down on top of the love sac and a few stacks of books, and finding enough plates to put 20 people's food on. made grape koolaid (dead serious) strung the christmas lights inside the garage, and turned off the big lights. lit candles, took pictures. moved the music upstairs. then i dined on DELICIOUS soul food while singing while sitting on the floor with 25 of my closest family members. i was in complete bliss the entire time. it was the best meal i've had here except for thanksgiving. so amazing.

December, you've been so good to me. thank you God. :)

on: things realized.

This blog is gonna be different. I might not even post it. It's more for me than for you, I suppose.

I've realized that the cold and I really can get along. It may or may not have taken a miserable 5 hours in 21 degree weather while lying on the frozen ground for that to happen... but I mean, God sometimes hits you over the head with the things you pray for. (And I really did enjoy that night of shooting video, I promise.)

I've realized I'm horrible at freaking myself out, and I don't do well living alone. I honestly don't know how I did it before. I never, ever want to live by myself again. I get scared and lonely just housesitting for 5 days. That I don't like sleeping in my own house and I'll never be independent enough to live by myself in my own house like some other girls I know, and I'm okay with that.

I've realized I'm spoiled. I get to see my boyfriend every day. We have similar schedules and spend lots of time together. Lots of my friends don't have that luxury. And the fact that I'm missing him so much while he's only been out of town for 3 days is kind of ridiculous. And I'm mad at myself for getting this way. (Housesitting for his parents PROBS doesn't help that situation, but I mean, still.)

I've realized that the reason I do miss him so much is because we do have something special. That I don't just miss the companionship and company, I miss the relationship that we have in person that really can't be explained, or shared through text messaging. Because it's more special than that. It's in his spontaneous remarks and wit. And I miss that when he's not around.

I've realized that I miss this time last year so much because of the family that it created. Because although I loved loved loved singing at 3 am in the pouring rain, it was about something deeper than that. It was about the fact that there were 15 of us doing that and that we loved each other intensely and we were the family I've never had. That Thanksgiving was so special because it really was about being thankful for each other. It was about community and family and love and it wasn't about family politics or football games or even really the food. I don't know how to recreate that and that absolutely terrifies me to death. I have to recreate that.

All for now, suppose.

on: winter.

Most people have their quirks. I can't sleep if a door is open. I'm obsessed with sunrises and the color yellow. I can't stand open backpacks (and stalk people and close their backpacks if they're open...) and I am comfortable when wearing a hat. I like public speaking and economics and pasta is my comfort food. I also hate the cold.

And I mean, I don't just think it's annoying and I don't find much comfort in knowing that with the cold comes the holidays, I actually truly just hate the cold. And I kind of hate that about myself. Recently, it's bothered me, and I'll explain why.

Mainly, because I actually let the cold effect my mood. All winter I hate being outside and I don't like going to school because that means walking around campus all day and I don't like sitting in my cold car at night and it brings a damper to my day. And it effects my ability to be present, to love the time and space I'm in, to love my friends and my job and my apartment and my car. It makes me always want to be somewhere else. I always dream about moving to southern California where it's always warm and I imagine a sparkling perfect life there, simply because the weather is warmer. Well, I know that people in San Diego still have bad days, even when the weather is perfect in February.

So I'm going to work on being present. On loving my family and my car and my church and my school and my job and my boyfriend to the best of my ability, and not wishing to be anywhere else. In an effort to begin this Albuquerque loving transformation, I (finally) changed my clock from San Diego time to Albuquerque time last night. I've been home for 11 months and it's still reflected the time in the place where I love the most. The time where I wish I was. And so judge me all you want, but it took me 15 minutes to finally switch my time back to Albuquerque time, that's how much I struggle with being present.

And then I think about it. I would sincerely miss this place like crazy if I were to go anywhere. I'd miss Rob. I'd miss church. I'd miss my sister. And while I wouldn't miss the cold one single tiny bit, I'd miss my life here in the cold. And with that thought process, and some divine assistance, I know I can learn to love the place God has me in even more than I do now.

"and though this winter does nothing but storm, the Joy in my heart is ablaze, and it's keeping me warm."

on: birthdays and long lost friends.

Sorry for neglecting you, blog, for so long. I promise I'll try to never do it again.


Tuesday was Rob's birthday! I seriously love birthdays. It's one day to truly celebrate someone for everything they are! A day to sit down and tell them all the reasons why you like being their friend. And if you've known my life in the last few years you know that I've gotten more and more fond of having Rob in my life, and that feeling still grows every day. So i sent him on a day long scavenger hunt to find little envelopes, all containing different things I like about him.

Yeah okay say it "awww," I heard it all day long. But not surprisingly people were questioning if I also got him a "real gift." Because that's what birthdays have turned into. It's moved from celebrating someone and truly appreciating their birth to honoring them with a gift. Something of some worldly value. I knew that Rob would appreciate a day of little smiles and I really didn't want to simply buy him a present, I wanted him to know the little things I appreciate about him. To have a list to look back on. I wanted him to know that I like his obsession with peanut butter, and that I like his singing voice. And I was so fulfilled when he truly appreciated everything I told him. It was one of my favorite projects I've ever worked on.  I just love birthdays so much. And Rob's was so much fun. :)

And now I'm lying here in my room with 6 sleepy world changing people asleep all over the couches, floors and extra beds in my little apartment. And every single time I host roadies at the end of tour it's the same. They get here, they laugh a lot, and then they crash. Changing the world is tiring, you know. And every time a tour comes through I just love the feeling of community and family they bring with. It's refreshing every time I meet new roadies at how unique they all are, but how every one of them has the love of people just naturally woven into them. And whether I've met them or not, or whether they're from America or Canada or Australia or Uganda, we all have a sense of community. It's the best lesson I've ever learned from IC. It's not even truly possible to put down in words. You simply have to experience it to know it.

It's also an incredible feeling to know that I have close friends in several continents in many countries and nearly every state in America. That my heart stretches all across the world now and that I'm blessed with friends who are willing to stay in touch, and even when we lose touch for a month or two, it's as if nothing has changed when we talk again. That these people will never be long lost friends to me, simply family members who talk whenever possible and who will always be there for each other in times of pain or loss, or in times of joy and celebration. I've learned all of these things this year and every time I host a new team of roadies, I remember all of this.

My life is just full of incredible loving people, and I am so blessed to know every one of them.

on: janelle being wonderful. and flirting.

My dear friend Janelle wrote this here. I just want you all to read this. Because she put everything so adorably. And I want this too.

"Here's the deal, I want to flirt with my husband.

And I don't just mean when we're dating, or the first few years of marriage... but 50 years down the road when I'm frumpy and he's balding.

I want be 55 and still buy lingerie to wear for him, because I hope he still thinks I'm sexy.

I want to text him flirty texts and surprise him with his favourite dinner, served while wearing a catwoman costume... because why the heck not?

I hope we make fun of each other all the time, I know I'm ridiculous... and if he's married to me, he'll have to be.

I want him to bring me tulips and lilies when we are old, because he knows me well enough to not get me roses.

I want to dance with him.. and not just that wimpy swaying back and forth... I want to tango, to salsa, to waltz with him on into the night. Put on a long dress... or maybe just a nightgown, and dance.

I want to travel the world with him, and live overseas with him, keeping a record of all the places we've visited... or, well.. nevermind.

I hope we people watch. That sounds so silly, but you know it's fun. We'll imitate the new couples as they are first falling in love, and ooh and ahh over each other like the young marrieds do. We'll laugh at awkward outfits and funny looking puppies, and roll our eyes at the pulled together business man who walks with an arrogant strut.

I want to give him my "dear future husband" journal at our wedding... and start a new one: full of fun facts and cute things that made me think of him during the day, so that each week, he has something new that I reveal or a new secret I let him in on (like how smokin hot I think he looks in his old geezer glasses).

I desperately hope that our idea of a good time when we are 65 is not just watching a sappy movie, but that we have picnics, set up a hammock in the woods, hike, make matching tie-dye shirts.

I want to fall madly in love with my husband every single day, and I want to grow with him in Christ as Christ directs us. I want to be overwhelmed with how much he listens to the Lord in the hard times, and I want him to be the leader during rough patches. I know that there will be fights and anger, but I trust that having Christ as our center will help us get through our problems.

And I hope that even after all the sickness, laughter, tears, babies, headaches, joy, family losses, and arguments...

I hope that we flirt."

on: being the light.

If there's one thing that I want to me more than anything in this world, it is light. It is to be a vessel through which Christ can work, and I know I don't have to visit Africa or Mexico to enter a missions field, that I am in one daily.

I've experienced time after time people recognizing the strength and power of Christ in me without even realizing it. I once heard Dustin mention how people can avoid the church at all costs until their parents are divorced, or someone they love dies, or their family is in ruins. Because people know that God and His church are a place of power and miracles, even though they may not admit it. And as soon as things in their life start crumbling down, those people end up running to Christ and His church even if they've never had a relationship with Him before.

The same thing can be seen in the people who ask advice of me, or who seek Wake and 212 without proclaiming that they're truly seeking Christ. People who I rarely talk to know that I believe and follow Christ and they will randomly facebook me or text me for advice in tough situations, because they recognize the power of Christ. I'm always amazed at how one meeting or conversation can have an impact on someone.

My students are experiencing this right now in a big way. We've started these "212 On Site" clubs on 2 different high school campuses and we're expanding pretty much weekly. Which in and of itself is wild. Last week one of our high schools had 28 students at their launch. Which is awesome! But THIS week, the week that the studying and seeking God really started, they had 45 students! I know these students are desperately seeking God and they don't even know it yet. Because Tory and Jaydon and all of the On Site leaders at all the schools have been such incredible vessels for Christ already, the students around them know that inside of them is something powerful and saving and they want to know what they have. And we're watching students seek Christ during their lunch hour at their high school just because they want to. And it's amazing to watch our students be a light on their campus.

All this to say, I'm constantly amazed at how God works through us. The miracles he does today are through people like you and I who are simply living lives that reflect His love to the people around us. And it's changing lives.

on: the last few hours.

I just have to put out here that I am completely overwhelmed, frustrated and tired, but even more than all that, I'm extremely blessed by my boyfriend. He's really good at calming me down while encouraging me and telling me I'm wrong, that no I'm not crazy, and not making me feel dumb.

I just am constantly overwhelmed by how much we influence we have on each other here in this life, how much the things we say and do effect everything. And I'm so lucky to have him around to influence and encourage me in all the ways he does.

That's all, I'm done being 12. Happiest of Wednesdays, followers.

on: spiders and heartbreak.

I'm really turned upside down today because my sister had her first real boyfriend, and broke up with him today. And I know every high school sophomore has a decent amount of distractions and relationships get boring and the people that you date really might not be right, but I can't help but feel heartbroken for the whole situation. High school isn't necessarily the time to be committing long term to someone, sure, but there's still a lot of emotion and turmoil and heartbreak and I feel like I'm reliving it all through my sister.

Meanwhile I'm cuddling with puppies and avoiding spiders (and fake, imaginary spiders. and spiderwebs. and spiders in his hair and that he makes with his hands. shiver.) with my amazing boyfriend and I can look back at all the events and conversations and smiles that got us where we are. Why are things so different for people who are 2 and 3 years younger than ourselves? At what point did I get to the point where I was capable of a serious long term relationship?

Even just the other day I was shopping with my mom and we were talking about Taylor Swift's song "Mine" (yeah, shut up) and she was talking about how nice the the dream was and her exact words were "It'll never happen. Everyone always leaves." And the only thing I said was "I don't believe that." and that was that. My mom has this intensely cynical relationship view and it breaks my heart to see her complete disbelief in long term marriage and real love. Why am I capable of a serious long term relationship when even my mother isn't? Shouldn't she be the one leading me through the steps it takes to create a healthy relationship?

I'm sure some of the heartache I'm feeling for my sister and her ex boyfriend have nothing to do with them at all. I'm afraid of ever having to feel that feeling again. I'm terrified of becoming like every single other member of my extended family.  And I want my baby sister to know that there are relationships that don't fail. That love is real and that when we find the right person, we experience it everything, including things like milk and coffee shops. Life is full of wonderful interactions that sometimes become history, and I just have to accept that I can't fix my mother's relationships nor can I create my sister's. But it's definitely not easy. Not tonight.

on: silence.

When you're little you're told to only speak if you're spoken to. To hold your tongue, and be a lady. To not complain about things given to you or the things in your home. I'll be the absolute first to tell you that I'm pretty bad at all of those things. I speak my mind. I bicker. I'll tell strangers about myself. I complain about not sleeping. I mindlessly ramble to anyone who will listen. I absolutely talk, way too much. Why?

But at the same time, I've never been able to communicate things that aren't happy and perfect and exactly what people want to hear. If I have a problem, a serious one, you likely won't hear about it. Even the people closest to me. If I know that the news I have to tell you isn't great, I'll sugar coat the answer. I'll absorb some of the problem and deal it with it myself so I don't have to tell you. I won't be openly honest with anyone about my own insecurities, fears, bad grades, or issues. I won't tell you if something is wrong in our relationship. Even when my best friend drives me crazy and does something that totally pisses me off and lets me down, I won't tell her. If I'm mad at people most important to me, I won't tell them. I'm afraid they'll be offended and walk away. I won't mention something I think is important, because I think I'm afraid everyone else won't think it's as important. I have some hidden belief that I should deal with my own issues. That no one else should have to hear the things that aren't great. I remain silent.

Over the years I've created this reputation in myself that I'm afraid I'll break if I complain once. I'm the girl who exemplifies the color I love, yellow. I never complain, I never get upset about how people treat me. I can roll anything off my shoulder. I'm optimistic. I won't let any issue get in the way of my happiness. But sometimes, issues do.

I'm even having trouble admitting I have a problem communicating the things I don't think anyone will want to hear. Why can I talk so, so much about things that are generally pointless, and not say a word about everything I actually spend my time dealing with? Why have I been trained to be silent?


** Can I just tell you that while I was finishing this up "Say" by John Mayer came up on my Pandora station? That's all.

on: dreams.

I have a generally insane experience with all dreams in the dictionary sense of the matter. When I sleep, my dreams I either can't remember, or are seriously twisted or exaggerated in one way or another, and are always extremely vivid. And for one reason or another I can almost always remember at least a piece of my dream, almost every morning.

My favorites have included the time that I had to pick up a friend in Russia, and I had to travel by dragon to get there. Once there, my friend and I went to an airport, which was actually a department store, and our ticket for our plane ride home was an ice cream and a dance. We had to dance to get on the plane. Or the time that I dreamed that Rob and I took a random trip to the beach, and all the memories from that dream were simply of us lying around in the warm sun.

My least favorites have always been just as vivid, or more so. Like the time that I dreamed that I was in charge of the Wake at UNM table, and I lost everything that was there, because I left it alone to go to class. The whole dream was kind of, orange tinted and windy and stormy and there was this looming fear of a tornado, the entire dream. Or just the other night when I had my scariest dream I can remember. I watched someone commit suicide inside their home. Watched them shoot themselves in the head and watched them crumple to the ground. So life like, and fear that was very, very real.

Why my brain is this overactive is a mystery to me. Most people can't go to their friends in the middle of the day and repeat an entire dream like this almost every day. But what I do know is that dreams, in every sense, are so important. God has spoken to His greatest victors through dreams over and over again. He constantly reinforces dreams in His word.

Also, God gives us the hopes and dreams we have for ourselves. People often have the misconception that to give everything up and follow Christ, we have to give up our hopes and dreams. Sometimes, that may be true, but in many cases God GAVE you those dreams, and He only wants you to follow them for His glory, because He has huge plans for you if you follow the desires He's given you.

I think it's important to dream. To know what your dreams are.

I dream about the day when I begin my work. After graduation, when I can start tangibly helping people all over the world because of my nerdy love for business and economics.

I dream about the day when I can sit down over coffee with my mom and talk about Christ's love and work in our every day life. I dream about the day when we can openly apologize to each other for all of the things that we've done wrong to each other over the years. I dream about the day when she accepts the things I spend my time doing and the people I spend my time with.

I dream about the day I get married. Like most girls, I love seeing other people's wedding videos and pictures and I dream about the day I float down the aisle in a white gown. I dream about the vows that will be said and the joy and magic of the day when the man I love and I promise to spend the rest of our lives together.

I dream about the days I will spend in other countries, in other continents, with other cultures of people. I dream about when I can go meet people and tell them about the love of Christ. I dream about the people's lives that I will influence, and the lives that will influence me. The people who I don't know yet who will come to be live changers in my future.

I dream about watching Jesus' Kingdom here on earth grow. I dream about the future when Copper Pointe is growing in Christ's name and this city is truly being revolutionized by the love of Heaven. I dream about what it will begin to look like when there are potentially tens of thousands of people in one body and one family of the Lord, all meeting in one building weekly to support and encourage one another. (And there will be coffee. I dream about that too.)

All this to say, I suppose, that I know that while day dreaming is considered a child's art, that I believe in my dreams and that I'm not afraid to follow what people would say are impossible dreams, because I know that God has given me those dreams and that nothing is impossible through Him. And that I know that those dreams will lead me to places I can't even dream of today.

my Hope is found.