on: ambition.

We all have some sort of inspiration. A blog, book, movie, album, artist, friend, sister. Something will get you going and no matter what subject it is, your life will feel re-motivated and you have this infectious sense that anything is possible. That that one thing you've always wanted to do is within reach.

While my inspiration comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, cheesy musicals and dance movies get me the most. And i think it's because I know that dance is a risky dream with high highs and low lows. That really truly pursuing dancing in the "real world" is a dare that some people, myself included, just won't accept taking. That dancers that stick through the years and years of heartache and rejection just to get your first real job are some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. So when I see people, even just in movies, really make the most of their talents and passion, I get inspired.

That inspiration gets me to the studio. Just watching people fulfill their dreams of dancing makes me go back, every time. And that's where the real magic happens. For whatever reason I best express myself with my movement, with my body. I learned early that everything that dance is is communication in a raw form. That while sure I love blogging and a great conversation is way on top of my favorite things list, true emotion absolutely cannot be expressed with words. It takes movement and touch. Dancing is my way of expressing, thinking and inventing, all at the same time. And it's no secret that I'm a physical person in all areas of my life. I'm always the girl jumping up and down and dancing around during worship, because I don't express my worship best through my voice, I just wanna dance for Christ. And I can't tell the people I love most the half of it with my words. I get embarrassed and shy when I try. But I'll play with your hair and hold your hand and kiss you goodnight every single night to express just how much you mean to me. For some reason my emotions are wired to go through my hands and feet more than my mouth.

So here I am again. Trying to find a ride to the studio tomorrow because even though I'm not in school and I don't have a car, I have that sense of hope and ambition that comes with dancing and that comes with faith. Some people call it naive and immature to believe that my life really is going to be okay with all of the madness that is constantly going on. Some of the people who should be my biggest supporters believe I spend too much time at the church, not enough time at school and that my dreams are naive and impossible. But I believe that God works through everything, specifically my talents and my passions and my big dreams, to inspire me in every aspect of my life. And if you are someone who thinks I'm naive or just plain dumb for having such hope and faith in the fact that God is using this time of my life for something greater, and that He gave me my use of the physical for His plans, I challenge you to think about the one thing that inspires you most. If you're a mathematician, math might not be your best inspirer, but instead perhaps the piano. Or if you're an artist, maybe reading a great book gets you there. Just because I have a heart for service and for business, doesn't mean that dance isn't the thing that has always gotten me along, that has always opened up my mind and my heart to things that are otherwise impossible. God works in and through everything, and I can't wait to see what he reveals to me in the sweat and tears of the studio.

on: one year.

If I look back at myself one year ago, I hardly recognize myself. 2010 was a year of intense growth and calling. Prepare for a lot in this blog. It's kinda long. Oops.

One year ago January was a rough month for me. I was completely lost here in Albuquerque. I had to idea why God brought me home and living here was the last thing I wanted to do. I was sick of the same places and the same things. And I wasn't in school and I was just running circles around myself in my room. I was suffering from bad insomnia and wouldn't sleep until 6 or 7 every morning, then would sleep the day away until Rob or Carol called me. I had no drive or vision for my life here. I only could think about the beautiful life that I left behind in San Diego for some completely unseen reason. Still to this day I struggle with missing the beach and Sunset Cliffs and the little coffee shops down the street from our house and dancing with my roommates in the kitchen and having conversations from the end of the pier. But I never plan on visiting the horrible darkness of that month ever again.

There are several things I can name that got me out of that place. Firstly, Rob. I'd spend my late nights with him. Walmart runs and watching Zenon (1,2 and 3) and making tacos and watching House were the only things that truly kept me human. He was the one person around me who truly understood what I was going through and wouldn't judge me or tell me to just get over it during that time. Leaving SD was tough, and he didn't try to tell me it wasn't. He just walked with me through it.

Second, Boiling Point. I'd only been involved with 212 about a month when Boiling Point came around. When I was there I realized that no matter what my family or society said, God is real. And my obsession with people and helping hurting people isn't just me being nice. It's a calling to do that to serve people, and to be Christ's hands and feet for the rest of my life. And it was time spent with the students who were experiencing the same thing. And it meant breakfasts with students from Texas and then games with kids from down the street. It was an experience that taught me that I can find a community here too, that will be just as encouraging and incredible and amazing as the one I had just left. 

(I forgot this until I got to the end, but chronologically it belongs here. I also spent my winter and beginning of spring launching the Portales Wake campus. This was seriously the highlight of my week, every week. I was able to spend time with my favorite people and we created quite a bunch. We had so much fun headed out to the sticks every week and complaining about Floyd and it was a huge part of my healing process, likely had something to do with the van...)

As spring moved in and I finally was able to shake winter off and put all of that hardship behind me, I dug in fully to 212. I began to grow as I watched these student grow. Wake and 212 were truly able to teach me about the community I've found here. God was working in me and I learned a lot about His heart, his vision for me, and became more and more confident in Him everyday. I can honestly say that this year I've been the closest to God I've ever been. In the spring and summer specifically He was active and moving and I was along for the very, very fast ride. I was completely dependent on God for the first time in my life, because I knew I could never do everything I was doing on my own. I could never be the person these students need without Him. I could never be any sort of glow team leader without Him, let alone being in charge of everything I'm doing now. He's led me on a wild ride being involved in Copper Pointe with everything from weeding car stickers all night long to making boiling pointe binders on my birthday to spray painting the stage for Christmas Eve to dancing to On Site. 

Also spring meant my first date with Rob. of which we technically had 2. March 12th we were supposed to go on our first date. (Also, it's worth mentioning that February involved some of the most frustrating moments of my life trying to figure out if Rob was just the world's greatest gentlemen, or the worlds greatest best friend, or flirting with me, or all three. I had absolutely no idea what to think about the situation besides the fact that I was crazy about him and had no idea how to cross the line. Which he ended up doing in the best way possible. So really I had nothing to freak out about. But I did. Everyday.)

March 12th, however, the roadies were in town. As well as 14 people who had just finished sleeping outside of Senator Coburns office in Oklahoma City. So our first "date" meant eating Chick-Fil-A with the roadies and Tony and Richard, and showing them Shirley and the sunset. It was the perfect bridge of my worlds. And a really great picture of the magic that was to come. And literally every day since that day things have only gotten better and better. I learned that sometimes seeing him meant spending the wee hours of the morning with him at the church while he worked and I helped as best I could. And I learned that he is one of the most intelligent men anyone will meet. He knows what to do, no matter what you're doing. He is incredible at his work and He follows God where he leads. He leads students with ease and isn't afraid to stand strong in his opinion. He also opens my car doors and randomly buys me lunch and pumps my gas and watches my ballet classes. I love thinking about the lives we're creating. 

Then summer came. And summer meant late nights with my best friends. Swimming at my dad's every week. MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD. Frozen yogurt and trips to Denver (one of my favorite trips I've ever had) and Rob getting sunburnt and movies and so much love. Delaney was home from South Africa and I got to reconnect with her all summer long. Catan games every Sunday and 212 every Tuesday. Then July 12th happened. I'll never forget that day as long as I live.

It was a Sunday. We all had gone to church the night before so we could watch the World Cup game at Rob's Parents place, which started at noon. There were SO many people there. Lots of food, and cheering and vuvuzelas and it was amazing! A good game and so much love. I had a Therefore Go meeting that day at 4, and right before I left Rob's house to head to flying star, I heard from Natalie that there was a bombing in Kampala, Uganda. We immediately started trying to figure out if we had any friends there, as most of the time our friends are far north of Kampala. I spent the meeting working hard on stalking every news site, twitter and facebook contact I could find. Having this pit in my stomach knowing that I have people I love at risk. We heard that there was an American killed, and several others wounded. I headed back to Rob's house, with still no idea where my friends were, and if they were safe. We began watching Sherlock Holmes. I was clinging to my phone. Natalie calls, I step outside right as Natalie tells me that our friend and IC family member Nate was the american killed. I fell to the ground in Rob's front yard, not knowing what to think. I don't think either of us said anything for at least 2 minutes. Rob came outside and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him no, hang up with Natalie, and actually say out loud "Nate is the American who died. My friend Nate just died."

And even though we know that Nate was a man of God and he beat us all to heaven, the mourning process was one that I was seriously unfamiliar with. I'd never known anyone who had died. I didn't even know how to breathe for the next 2 days. I ate french fries and coffee the next day at work. And nearly threw up every time I had some free time. That weekend was Nate's memorial. Shawn and I drove to San Diego to be with the family and to celebrate the life that Nate lived. I stayed at the Roadie house, I drove around San Diego with Shawn and Natalie. We went to our old Yogurtland and our favorite beach. We celebrated a blessed life. 

And like any death does, it made me really think hard about the families and the circles I'm in. The influence I have on people. The influence Nate had on me. The next week, Chris Baillie died in a hiking accident. I was floored that God took two faithful and revolutionary men from us within 9 days of each other. I was heart broken and numb for weeks. During the month of July I learned that this world can be more painful than I really had known before. I experienced death first hand.

"Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance. you are not alone in this, you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and we will hold your hand."

July 14th I became Rob's girlfriend, officially. (What a week, I know.) And the 6 months since then have been months full of commitment and service and true care for one another. Of sunrises and sunsets and trips to Santa Fe and dinners with his family and Christmas together and I could spend an entire blog this length talking only about him, but that'd bore most of you, so I will restrain myself. And it's more than just the cheesy things. It's doing nothing at his house, but knowing I'm always welcome there. It's talking about real things, real struggles and real frustrations. Real victories. It's knowing that I can count on him to answer his phone and never flake out. It's the security I've never had.

Looking back, the biggest events of my year happened before July. Needless to say, I learned a lot this year. I've been challenged and strengthened in my faith, and have found the community I've spent so much time yearning for. My best friends and my church have created the sort of world I've always wanted. The kind of family I have with Invisible Children. I cherish our late night chats and our hard talks and our catan games and our nights spent at the church cleaning the production loft more than I can ever say.

And I know a lot of this blog was just a chronological account of my year. But in all of these events and people and students and lives and interactions I've had the most incredible year of my life. If you're reading this, I promise you've had a part in my growth and my strength this year.

Looking forward, I know 2011 will be solely about God. I know that i want to challenge myself in my faith in ways I haven't yet and I want to know more about God's heart, now that I've learned an incredible amount about His church and His work here on earth. I know that God will be leading my relationship, my education, my leadership. Everything. And I want to work on letting God heal the hurts I have that I've never recognized or brought out in the open. I want God to help me in my insecurities and in my addictions and in my slip ups. And I want to be better at documenting it all. It feels good to be beginning a year with the drive and determination and focus and calling that I didn't have last year. I can't wait for things to take off.

I don't really know how to end this. I just spent 2 hours going over the last 12 months of my life and it's crazy to think that my life is barreling forward, and tomorrow and the next day and the next are days I'm going to remember. Sorry this has been quite a novel. I guess it was more for me than for you but if you made it this far I applaud you.

One year ago exactly, I blogged this.

What an amazing day this was. IC Fall 09 Family, I miss you and our soul food sundays. :)

so i got up off the couch and danced with them while they made food. they fried chicken for TWO HOURS. they made mashed potatoes by actually mashing potatoes. mac n cheese. biscuits. texas toast. sweet tea. hot sauce. we cooked for ever! dancing and singing in the kitchen. amazing swiffer guitar solos. for a while i snuck outside to the porch and listened to hailey and marshall and melissa play guitar and sing worship music while there was an absolutely incredible sunset outside. one side of the sky was swirly and blue and green and one side was deep pink and purple and hailey's voice and guitar playing was amazing.

back inside, all the guys were still playing the black eyed peas and james brown and queen and anything else they could make seem soulful. then christina and joleah and johannes showed up and we finished up the food. soon enough we were setting the table. and by setting the table i mean putting half of the old conference table down on top of the love sac and a few stacks of books, and finding enough plates to put 20 people's food on. made grape koolaid (dead serious) strung the christmas lights inside the garage, and turned off the big lights. lit candles, took pictures. moved the music upstairs. then i dined on DELICIOUS soul food while singing while sitting on the floor with 25 of my closest family members. i was in complete bliss the entire time. it was the best meal i've had here except for thanksgiving. so amazing.

December, you've been so good to me. thank you God. :)

on: things realized.

This blog is gonna be different. I might not even post it. It's more for me than for you, I suppose.

I've realized that the cold and I really can get along. It may or may not have taken a miserable 5 hours in 21 degree weather while lying on the frozen ground for that to happen... but I mean, God sometimes hits you over the head with the things you pray for. (And I really did enjoy that night of shooting video, I promise.)

I've realized I'm horrible at freaking myself out, and I don't do well living alone. I honestly don't know how I did it before. I never, ever want to live by myself again. I get scared and lonely just housesitting for 5 days. That I don't like sleeping in my own house and I'll never be independent enough to live by myself in my own house like some other girls I know, and I'm okay with that.

I've realized I'm spoiled. I get to see my boyfriend every day. We have similar schedules and spend lots of time together. Lots of my friends don't have that luxury. And the fact that I'm missing him so much while he's only been out of town for 3 days is kind of ridiculous. And I'm mad at myself for getting this way. (Housesitting for his parents PROBS doesn't help that situation, but I mean, still.)

I've realized that the reason I do miss him so much is because we do have something special. That I don't just miss the companionship and company, I miss the relationship that we have in person that really can't be explained, or shared through text messaging. Because it's more special than that. It's in his spontaneous remarks and wit. And I miss that when he's not around.

I've realized that I miss this time last year so much because of the family that it created. Because although I loved loved loved singing at 3 am in the pouring rain, it was about something deeper than that. It was about the fact that there were 15 of us doing that and that we loved each other intensely and we were the family I've never had. That Thanksgiving was so special because it really was about being thankful for each other. It was about community and family and love and it wasn't about family politics or football games or even really the food. I don't know how to recreate that and that absolutely terrifies me to death. I have to recreate that.

All for now, suppose.

on: winter.

Most people have their quirks. I can't sleep if a door is open. I'm obsessed with sunrises and the color yellow. I can't stand open backpacks (and stalk people and close their backpacks if they're open...) and I am comfortable when wearing a hat. I like public speaking and economics and pasta is my comfort food. I also hate the cold.

And I mean, I don't just think it's annoying and I don't find much comfort in knowing that with the cold comes the holidays, I actually truly just hate the cold. And I kind of hate that about myself. Recently, it's bothered me, and I'll explain why.

Mainly, because I actually let the cold effect my mood. All winter I hate being outside and I don't like going to school because that means walking around campus all day and I don't like sitting in my cold car at night and it brings a damper to my day. And it effects my ability to be present, to love the time and space I'm in, to love my friends and my job and my apartment and my car. It makes me always want to be somewhere else. I always dream about moving to southern California where it's always warm and I imagine a sparkling perfect life there, simply because the weather is warmer. Well, I know that people in San Diego still have bad days, even when the weather is perfect in February.

So I'm going to work on being present. On loving my family and my car and my church and my school and my job and my boyfriend to the best of my ability, and not wishing to be anywhere else. In an effort to begin this Albuquerque loving transformation, I (finally) changed my clock from San Diego time to Albuquerque time last night. I've been home for 11 months and it's still reflected the time in the place where I love the most. The time where I wish I was. And so judge me all you want, but it took me 15 minutes to finally switch my time back to Albuquerque time, that's how much I struggle with being present.

And then I think about it. I would sincerely miss this place like crazy if I were to go anywhere. I'd miss Rob. I'd miss church. I'd miss my sister. And while I wouldn't miss the cold one single tiny bit, I'd miss my life here in the cold. And with that thought process, and some divine assistance, I know I can learn to love the place God has me in even more than I do now.

"and though this winter does nothing but storm, the Joy in my heart is ablaze, and it's keeping me warm."

on: birthdays and long lost friends.

Sorry for neglecting you, blog, for so long. I promise I'll try to never do it again.


Tuesday was Rob's birthday! I seriously love birthdays. It's one day to truly celebrate someone for everything they are! A day to sit down and tell them all the reasons why you like being their friend. And if you've known my life in the last few years you know that I've gotten more and more fond of having Rob in my life, and that feeling still grows every day. So i sent him on a day long scavenger hunt to find little envelopes, all containing different things I like about him.

Yeah okay say it "awww," I heard it all day long. But not surprisingly people were questioning if I also got him a "real gift." Because that's what birthdays have turned into. It's moved from celebrating someone and truly appreciating their birth to honoring them with a gift. Something of some worldly value. I knew that Rob would appreciate a day of little smiles and I really didn't want to simply buy him a present, I wanted him to know the little things I appreciate about him. To have a list to look back on. I wanted him to know that I like his obsession with peanut butter, and that I like his singing voice. And I was so fulfilled when he truly appreciated everything I told him. It was one of my favorite projects I've ever worked on.  I just love birthdays so much. And Rob's was so much fun. :)

And now I'm lying here in my room with 6 sleepy world changing people asleep all over the couches, floors and extra beds in my little apartment. And every single time I host roadies at the end of tour it's the same. They get here, they laugh a lot, and then they crash. Changing the world is tiring, you know. And every time a tour comes through I just love the feeling of community and family they bring with. It's refreshing every time I meet new roadies at how unique they all are, but how every one of them has the love of people just naturally woven into them. And whether I've met them or not, or whether they're from America or Canada or Australia or Uganda, we all have a sense of community. It's the best lesson I've ever learned from IC. It's not even truly possible to put down in words. You simply have to experience it to know it.

It's also an incredible feeling to know that I have close friends in several continents in many countries and nearly every state in America. That my heart stretches all across the world now and that I'm blessed with friends who are willing to stay in touch, and even when we lose touch for a month or two, it's as if nothing has changed when we talk again. That these people will never be long lost friends to me, simply family members who talk whenever possible and who will always be there for each other in times of pain or loss, or in times of joy and celebration. I've learned all of these things this year and every time I host a new team of roadies, I remember all of this.

My life is just full of incredible loving people, and I am so blessed to know every one of them.

on: janelle being wonderful. and flirting.

My dear friend Janelle wrote this here. I just want you all to read this. Because she put everything so adorably. And I want this too.

"Here's the deal, I want to flirt with my husband.

And I don't just mean when we're dating, or the first few years of marriage... but 50 years down the road when I'm frumpy and he's balding.

I want be 55 and still buy lingerie to wear for him, because I hope he still thinks I'm sexy.

I want to text him flirty texts and surprise him with his favourite dinner, served while wearing a catwoman costume... because why the heck not?

I hope we make fun of each other all the time, I know I'm ridiculous... and if he's married to me, he'll have to be.

I want him to bring me tulips and lilies when we are old, because he knows me well enough to not get me roses.

I want to dance with him.. and not just that wimpy swaying back and forth... I want to tango, to salsa, to waltz with him on into the night. Put on a long dress... or maybe just a nightgown, and dance.

I want to travel the world with him, and live overseas with him, keeping a record of all the places we've visited... or, well.. nevermind.

I hope we people watch. That sounds so silly, but you know it's fun. We'll imitate the new couples as they are first falling in love, and ooh and ahh over each other like the young marrieds do. We'll laugh at awkward outfits and funny looking puppies, and roll our eyes at the pulled together business man who walks with an arrogant strut.

I want to give him my "dear future husband" journal at our wedding... and start a new one: full of fun facts and cute things that made me think of him during the day, so that each week, he has something new that I reveal or a new secret I let him in on (like how smokin hot I think he looks in his old geezer glasses).

I desperately hope that our idea of a good time when we are 65 is not just watching a sappy movie, but that we have picnics, set up a hammock in the woods, hike, make matching tie-dye shirts.

I want to fall madly in love with my husband every single day, and I want to grow with him in Christ as Christ directs us. I want to be overwhelmed with how much he listens to the Lord in the hard times, and I want him to be the leader during rough patches. I know that there will be fights and anger, but I trust that having Christ as our center will help us get through our problems.

And I hope that even after all the sickness, laughter, tears, babies, headaches, joy, family losses, and arguments...

I hope that we flirt."