Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm sorry I've neglected you, blog, for a month. I promise to never do it again. Please can we still be friends?
We all have to make decisions on a day to day basis. Sometimes it's as small as what type of coffee you'll have, and sometimes it's which guy you date, and sometimes it's where you live, or what you do. And sometimes the decisions can be life changing in a big way.
Yes, I'm in the middle of a decision. No, I won't tell you what it is. Yet.
Making a decision like what kind of coffee to get can be simple, doesn't really threaten you in any way and you can decide pretty quickly and move on with your day. It's the decisions that create tension and cause your hands to shake that are the ones that you'll really remember. The moments where you're laying awake at night crying begging for God to just speak to you so clearly so that you cannot miss what he says, but he still seems to remain quiet. It's the moments when push comes to shove and the deadline is approaching and you still have no idea what to do. It's when both options seem incredible validated and correct. (With me yet? Tell me I'm not the only one here.) It's when you're filling out the application, or asking the questions, or quitting the job. When you're taking a huge risk and stepping out of the boat with faith that Jesus will get you to walk on water.
Because isn't that what a decision like that is all about? It's about making a move that you know you can't do all by yourself. It's about trusting that Jesus is gonna pull you through, because for some reason you can't shake the knowledge that He wants you taking that path, choosing that job, dating that guy, even though the outcome seems incredibly impossible.
My last 2 years have been FULL of seemingly impossible decisions. Lots of sleepless nights trying to decipher whether I really should live here or not, whether Christ really wants me to date him or not, where I should work and who I should live with. And every single one of those moments I've seen Jesus show up, at the perfect time, to calm my shaking hands, give me the oxygen I wasn't taking in on my own, and walk me across the water. The toughest decisions have the highest payoffs, and it's during these decisions that I most often have the overwhelming presence of God. Where all of the sudden I just KNOW the choice I need to make. Isn't that something? That when I am in need of guidance, in that most critical moment, He absolutely never fails to show up. It almost makes me look forward to these decisions. To those moments where I'm struck by fear and I can't move one way or another simply because what's on the line seems huge to me. I look forward to experiencing God's undeniable presence, even though I cannot stand every moment of insecurity leading up to that moment.
That happened again last week. Where all of the sudden I knew I knew what I needed to do. And now that decision is not in my hands anymore. I took my step out of the boat because of God's undeniable voice. He worked through Rob in a way I doubt Rob even realizes, and gave me the strength to listen to the big scary voice with the choice that I didn't want to make. The choice I made was not my own, although I'm coming around to it. The choice I made, however, I know was God's choice for me, and He used every available outlet to tell that to me. Until I finally sucked it up and listened. (It's also amazing how every single time, God's gotten me to the absolute RIGHT decision, yet every time I still am afraid to take the choice I know He wants me too. That's another blog.)
I don't really know what all of this is to say except that God is great. He's working in my life more than ever these days and is showing me dreams and visions of what my life is going to look like. He's planning out the steps for me and he's putting me up to these hard, hard decisions for me to get there. Beth Moore said something in our study this last week that I cannot ignore. I know God put it there for me for this decision exactly. She said "As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when it was said and done, I'd sit on the side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life."
And that right there is the realization I'm coming to these days. That I am not called to an easy life, and the people around me might not accept or understand my decision in any way. They might think I'm crazy and doubt that this is actually what God wants for my life. That's part of the fun, I guess, though. Because through all of that I get to see God work. When I can release details, I will. But for now, I'm just praising God for getting me here, and for giving me the answer to this seemingly impossible question. And thanks again, Rob, for working in a way you might not realize. For inspiring me and encouraging me. For showing me that a person can thrive in a tough decision and a tough environment, if you rely on something greater than yourself. I'm never anything but amazed watching you.
All this being said, I can't wait to report to you what happens when all of this is worked through. Either way, it will be a great story of God working in my life. And I know I know that living in the life God has for me is always going to be the best thing I could do.
