One year ago exactly, I blogged this.

What an amazing day this was. IC Fall 09 Family, I miss you and our soul food sundays. :)

so i got up off the couch and danced with them while they made food. they fried chicken for TWO HOURS. they made mashed potatoes by actually mashing potatoes. mac n cheese. biscuits. texas toast. sweet tea. hot sauce. we cooked for ever! dancing and singing in the kitchen. amazing swiffer guitar solos. for a while i snuck outside to the porch and listened to hailey and marshall and melissa play guitar and sing worship music while there was an absolutely incredible sunset outside. one side of the sky was swirly and blue and green and one side was deep pink and purple and hailey's voice and guitar playing was amazing.

back inside, all the guys were still playing the black eyed peas and james brown and queen and anything else they could make seem soulful. then christina and joleah and johannes showed up and we finished up the food. soon enough we were setting the table. and by setting the table i mean putting half of the old conference table down on top of the love sac and a few stacks of books, and finding enough plates to put 20 people's food on. made grape koolaid (dead serious) strung the christmas lights inside the garage, and turned off the big lights. lit candles, took pictures. moved the music upstairs. then i dined on DELICIOUS soul food while singing while sitting on the floor with 25 of my closest family members. i was in complete bliss the entire time. it was the best meal i've had here except for thanksgiving. so amazing.

December, you've been so good to me. thank you God. :)

on: things realized.

This blog is gonna be different. I might not even post it. It's more for me than for you, I suppose.

I've realized that the cold and I really can get along. It may or may not have taken a miserable 5 hours in 21 degree weather while lying on the frozen ground for that to happen... but I mean, God sometimes hits you over the head with the things you pray for. (And I really did enjoy that night of shooting video, I promise.)

I've realized I'm horrible at freaking myself out, and I don't do well living alone. I honestly don't know how I did it before. I never, ever want to live by myself again. I get scared and lonely just housesitting for 5 days. That I don't like sleeping in my own house and I'll never be independent enough to live by myself in my own house like some other girls I know, and I'm okay with that.

I've realized I'm spoiled. I get to see my boyfriend every day. We have similar schedules and spend lots of time together. Lots of my friends don't have that luxury. And the fact that I'm missing him so much while he's only been out of town for 3 days is kind of ridiculous. And I'm mad at myself for getting this way. (Housesitting for his parents PROBS doesn't help that situation, but I mean, still.)

I've realized that the reason I do miss him so much is because we do have something special. That I don't just miss the companionship and company, I miss the relationship that we have in person that really can't be explained, or shared through text messaging. Because it's more special than that. It's in his spontaneous remarks and wit. And I miss that when he's not around.

I've realized that I miss this time last year so much because of the family that it created. Because although I loved loved loved singing at 3 am in the pouring rain, it was about something deeper than that. It was about the fact that there were 15 of us doing that and that we loved each other intensely and we were the family I've never had. That Thanksgiving was so special because it really was about being thankful for each other. It was about community and family and love and it wasn't about family politics or football games or even really the food. I don't know how to recreate that and that absolutely terrifies me to death. I have to recreate that.

All for now, suppose.

on: winter.

Most people have their quirks. I can't sleep if a door is open. I'm obsessed with sunrises and the color yellow. I can't stand open backpacks (and stalk people and close their backpacks if they're open...) and I am comfortable when wearing a hat. I like public speaking and economics and pasta is my comfort food. I also hate the cold.

And I mean, I don't just think it's annoying and I don't find much comfort in knowing that with the cold comes the holidays, I actually truly just hate the cold. And I kind of hate that about myself. Recently, it's bothered me, and I'll explain why.

Mainly, because I actually let the cold effect my mood. All winter I hate being outside and I don't like going to school because that means walking around campus all day and I don't like sitting in my cold car at night and it brings a damper to my day. And it effects my ability to be present, to love the time and space I'm in, to love my friends and my job and my apartment and my car. It makes me always want to be somewhere else. I always dream about moving to southern California where it's always warm and I imagine a sparkling perfect life there, simply because the weather is warmer. Well, I know that people in San Diego still have bad days, even when the weather is perfect in February.

So I'm going to work on being present. On loving my family and my car and my church and my school and my job and my boyfriend to the best of my ability, and not wishing to be anywhere else. In an effort to begin this Albuquerque loving transformation, I (finally) changed my clock from San Diego time to Albuquerque time last night. I've been home for 11 months and it's still reflected the time in the place where I love the most. The time where I wish I was. And so judge me all you want, but it took me 15 minutes to finally switch my time back to Albuquerque time, that's how much I struggle with being present.

And then I think about it. I would sincerely miss this place like crazy if I were to go anywhere. I'd miss Rob. I'd miss church. I'd miss my sister. And while I wouldn't miss the cold one single tiny bit, I'd miss my life here in the cold. And with that thought process, and some divine assistance, I know I can learn to love the place God has me in even more than I do now.

"and though this winter does nothing but storm, the Joy in my heart is ablaze, and it's keeping me warm."

on: birthdays and long lost friends.

Sorry for neglecting you, blog, for so long. I promise I'll try to never do it again.


Tuesday was Rob's birthday! I seriously love birthdays. It's one day to truly celebrate someone for everything they are! A day to sit down and tell them all the reasons why you like being their friend. And if you've known my life in the last few years you know that I've gotten more and more fond of having Rob in my life, and that feeling still grows every day. So i sent him on a day long scavenger hunt to find little envelopes, all containing different things I like about him.

Yeah okay say it "awww," I heard it all day long. But not surprisingly people were questioning if I also got him a "real gift." Because that's what birthdays have turned into. It's moved from celebrating someone and truly appreciating their birth to honoring them with a gift. Something of some worldly value. I knew that Rob would appreciate a day of little smiles and I really didn't want to simply buy him a present, I wanted him to know the little things I appreciate about him. To have a list to look back on. I wanted him to know that I like his obsession with peanut butter, and that I like his singing voice. And I was so fulfilled when he truly appreciated everything I told him. It was one of my favorite projects I've ever worked on.  I just love birthdays so much. And Rob's was so much fun. :)

And now I'm lying here in my room with 6 sleepy world changing people asleep all over the couches, floors and extra beds in my little apartment. And every single time I host roadies at the end of tour it's the same. They get here, they laugh a lot, and then they crash. Changing the world is tiring, you know. And every time a tour comes through I just love the feeling of community and family they bring with. It's refreshing every time I meet new roadies at how unique they all are, but how every one of them has the love of people just naturally woven into them. And whether I've met them or not, or whether they're from America or Canada or Australia or Uganda, we all have a sense of community. It's the best lesson I've ever learned from IC. It's not even truly possible to put down in words. You simply have to experience it to know it.

It's also an incredible feeling to know that I have close friends in several continents in many countries and nearly every state in America. That my heart stretches all across the world now and that I'm blessed with friends who are willing to stay in touch, and even when we lose touch for a month or two, it's as if nothing has changed when we talk again. That these people will never be long lost friends to me, simply family members who talk whenever possible and who will always be there for each other in times of pain or loss, or in times of joy and celebration. I've learned all of these things this year and every time I host a new team of roadies, I remember all of this.

My life is just full of incredible loving people, and I am so blessed to know every one of them.

on: janelle being wonderful. and flirting.

My dear friend Janelle wrote this here. I just want you all to read this. Because she put everything so adorably. And I want this too.

"Here's the deal, I want to flirt with my husband.

And I don't just mean when we're dating, or the first few years of marriage... but 50 years down the road when I'm frumpy and he's balding.

I want be 55 and still buy lingerie to wear for him, because I hope he still thinks I'm sexy.

I want to text him flirty texts and surprise him with his favourite dinner, served while wearing a catwoman costume... because why the heck not?

I hope we make fun of each other all the time, I know I'm ridiculous... and if he's married to me, he'll have to be.

I want him to bring me tulips and lilies when we are old, because he knows me well enough to not get me roses.

I want to dance with him.. and not just that wimpy swaying back and forth... I want to tango, to salsa, to waltz with him on into the night. Put on a long dress... or maybe just a nightgown, and dance.

I want to travel the world with him, and live overseas with him, keeping a record of all the places we've visited... or, well.. nevermind.

I hope we people watch. That sounds so silly, but you know it's fun. We'll imitate the new couples as they are first falling in love, and ooh and ahh over each other like the young marrieds do. We'll laugh at awkward outfits and funny looking puppies, and roll our eyes at the pulled together business man who walks with an arrogant strut.

I want to give him my "dear future husband" journal at our wedding... and start a new one: full of fun facts and cute things that made me think of him during the day, so that each week, he has something new that I reveal or a new secret I let him in on (like how smokin hot I think he looks in his old geezer glasses).

I desperately hope that our idea of a good time when we are 65 is not just watching a sappy movie, but that we have picnics, set up a hammock in the woods, hike, make matching tie-dye shirts.

I want to fall madly in love with my husband every single day, and I want to grow with him in Christ as Christ directs us. I want to be overwhelmed with how much he listens to the Lord in the hard times, and I want him to be the leader during rough patches. I know that there will be fights and anger, but I trust that having Christ as our center will help us get through our problems.

And I hope that even after all the sickness, laughter, tears, babies, headaches, joy, family losses, and arguments...

I hope that we flirt."

on: being the light.

If there's one thing that I want to me more than anything in this world, it is light. It is to be a vessel through which Christ can work, and I know I don't have to visit Africa or Mexico to enter a missions field, that I am in one daily.

I've experienced time after time people recognizing the strength and power of Christ in me without even realizing it. I once heard Dustin mention how people can avoid the church at all costs until their parents are divorced, or someone they love dies, or their family is in ruins. Because people know that God and His church are a place of power and miracles, even though they may not admit it. And as soon as things in their life start crumbling down, those people end up running to Christ and His church even if they've never had a relationship with Him before.

The same thing can be seen in the people who ask advice of me, or who seek Wake and 212 without proclaiming that they're truly seeking Christ. People who I rarely talk to know that I believe and follow Christ and they will randomly facebook me or text me for advice in tough situations, because they recognize the power of Christ. I'm always amazed at how one meeting or conversation can have an impact on someone.

My students are experiencing this right now in a big way. We've started these "212 On Site" clubs on 2 different high school campuses and we're expanding pretty much weekly. Which in and of itself is wild. Last week one of our high schools had 28 students at their launch. Which is awesome! But THIS week, the week that the studying and seeking God really started, they had 45 students! I know these students are desperately seeking God and they don't even know it yet. Because Tory and Jaydon and all of the On Site leaders at all the schools have been such incredible vessels for Christ already, the students around them know that inside of them is something powerful and saving and they want to know what they have. And we're watching students seek Christ during their lunch hour at their high school just because they want to. And it's amazing to watch our students be a light on their campus.

All this to say, I'm constantly amazed at how God works through us. The miracles he does today are through people like you and I who are simply living lives that reflect His love to the people around us. And it's changing lives.

on: the last few hours.

I just have to put out here that I am completely overwhelmed, frustrated and tired, but even more than all that, I'm extremely blessed by my boyfriend. He's really good at calming me down while encouraging me and telling me I'm wrong, that no I'm not crazy, and not making me feel dumb.

I just am constantly overwhelmed by how much we influence we have on each other here in this life, how much the things we say and do effect everything. And I'm so lucky to have him around to influence and encourage me in all the ways he does.

That's all, I'm done being 12. Happiest of Wednesdays, followers.

on: spiders and heartbreak.

I'm really turned upside down today because my sister had her first real boyfriend, and broke up with him today. And I know every high school sophomore has a decent amount of distractions and relationships get boring and the people that you date really might not be right, but I can't help but feel heartbroken for the whole situation. High school isn't necessarily the time to be committing long term to someone, sure, but there's still a lot of emotion and turmoil and heartbreak and I feel like I'm reliving it all through my sister.

Meanwhile I'm cuddling with puppies and avoiding spiders (and fake, imaginary spiders. and spiderwebs. and spiders in his hair and that he makes with his hands. shiver.) with my amazing boyfriend and I can look back at all the events and conversations and smiles that got us where we are. Why are things so different for people who are 2 and 3 years younger than ourselves? At what point did I get to the point where I was capable of a serious long term relationship?

Even just the other day I was shopping with my mom and we were talking about Taylor Swift's song "Mine" (yeah, shut up) and she was talking about how nice the the dream was and her exact words were "It'll never happen. Everyone always leaves." And the only thing I said was "I don't believe that." and that was that. My mom has this intensely cynical relationship view and it breaks my heart to see her complete disbelief in long term marriage and real love. Why am I capable of a serious long term relationship when even my mother isn't? Shouldn't she be the one leading me through the steps it takes to create a healthy relationship?

I'm sure some of the heartache I'm feeling for my sister and her ex boyfriend have nothing to do with them at all. I'm afraid of ever having to feel that feeling again. I'm terrified of becoming like every single other member of my extended family.  And I want my baby sister to know that there are relationships that don't fail. That love is real and that when we find the right person, we experience it everything, including things like milk and coffee shops. Life is full of wonderful interactions that sometimes become history, and I just have to accept that I can't fix my mother's relationships nor can I create my sister's. But it's definitely not easy. Not tonight.

on: silence.

When you're little you're told to only speak if you're spoken to. To hold your tongue, and be a lady. To not complain about things given to you or the things in your home. I'll be the absolute first to tell you that I'm pretty bad at all of those things. I speak my mind. I bicker. I'll tell strangers about myself. I complain about not sleeping. I mindlessly ramble to anyone who will listen. I absolutely talk, way too much. Why?

But at the same time, I've never been able to communicate things that aren't happy and perfect and exactly what people want to hear. If I have a problem, a serious one, you likely won't hear about it. Even the people closest to me. If I know that the news I have to tell you isn't great, I'll sugar coat the answer. I'll absorb some of the problem and deal it with it myself so I don't have to tell you. I won't be openly honest with anyone about my own insecurities, fears, bad grades, or issues. I won't tell you if something is wrong in our relationship. Even when my best friend drives me crazy and does something that totally pisses me off and lets me down, I won't tell her. If I'm mad at people most important to me, I won't tell them. I'm afraid they'll be offended and walk away. I won't mention something I think is important, because I think I'm afraid everyone else won't think it's as important. I have some hidden belief that I should deal with my own issues. That no one else should have to hear the things that aren't great. I remain silent.

Over the years I've created this reputation in myself that I'm afraid I'll break if I complain once. I'm the girl who exemplifies the color I love, yellow. I never complain, I never get upset about how people treat me. I can roll anything off my shoulder. I'm optimistic. I won't let any issue get in the way of my happiness. But sometimes, issues do.

I'm even having trouble admitting I have a problem communicating the things I don't think anyone will want to hear. Why can I talk so, so much about things that are generally pointless, and not say a word about everything I actually spend my time dealing with? Why have I been trained to be silent?


** Can I just tell you that while I was finishing this up "Say" by John Mayer came up on my Pandora station? That's all.

on: dreams.

I have a generally insane experience with all dreams in the dictionary sense of the matter. When I sleep, my dreams I either can't remember, or are seriously twisted or exaggerated in one way or another, and are always extremely vivid. And for one reason or another I can almost always remember at least a piece of my dream, almost every morning.

My favorites have included the time that I had to pick up a friend in Russia, and I had to travel by dragon to get there. Once there, my friend and I went to an airport, which was actually a department store, and our ticket for our plane ride home was an ice cream and a dance. We had to dance to get on the plane. Or the time that I dreamed that Rob and I took a random trip to the beach, and all the memories from that dream were simply of us lying around in the warm sun.

My least favorites have always been just as vivid, or more so. Like the time that I dreamed that I was in charge of the Wake at UNM table, and I lost everything that was there, because I left it alone to go to class. The whole dream was kind of, orange tinted and windy and stormy and there was this looming fear of a tornado, the entire dream. Or just the other night when I had my scariest dream I can remember. I watched someone commit suicide inside their home. Watched them shoot themselves in the head and watched them crumple to the ground. So life like, and fear that was very, very real.

Why my brain is this overactive is a mystery to me. Most people can't go to their friends in the middle of the day and repeat an entire dream like this almost every day. But what I do know is that dreams, in every sense, are so important. God has spoken to His greatest victors through dreams over and over again. He constantly reinforces dreams in His word.

Also, God gives us the hopes and dreams we have for ourselves. People often have the misconception that to give everything up and follow Christ, we have to give up our hopes and dreams. Sometimes, that may be true, but in many cases God GAVE you those dreams, and He only wants you to follow them for His glory, because He has huge plans for you if you follow the desires He's given you.

I think it's important to dream. To know what your dreams are.

I dream about the day when I begin my work. After graduation, when I can start tangibly helping people all over the world because of my nerdy love for business and economics.

I dream about the day when I can sit down over coffee with my mom and talk about Christ's love and work in our every day life. I dream about the day when we can openly apologize to each other for all of the things that we've done wrong to each other over the years. I dream about the day when she accepts the things I spend my time doing and the people I spend my time with.

I dream about the day I get married. Like most girls, I love seeing other people's wedding videos and pictures and I dream about the day I float down the aisle in a white gown. I dream about the vows that will be said and the joy and magic of the day when the man I love and I promise to spend the rest of our lives together.

I dream about the days I will spend in other countries, in other continents, with other cultures of people. I dream about when I can go meet people and tell them about the love of Christ. I dream about the people's lives that I will influence, and the lives that will influence me. The people who I don't know yet who will come to be live changers in my future.

I dream about watching Jesus' Kingdom here on earth grow. I dream about the future when Copper Pointe is growing in Christ's name and this city is truly being revolutionized by the love of Heaven. I dream about what it will begin to look like when there are potentially tens of thousands of people in one body and one family of the Lord, all meeting in one building weekly to support and encourage one another. (And there will be coffee. I dream about that too.)

All this to say, I suppose, that I know that while day dreaming is considered a child's art, that I believe in my dreams and that I'm not afraid to follow what people would say are impossible dreams, because I know that God has given me those dreams and that nothing is impossible through Him. And that I know that those dreams will lead me to places I can't even dream of today.

my Hope is found.

meet my friend, Tony.

Invisible Children Presents: Tony.

on: encouragement.

Today was a great testament to how much influence we all have on each other.

I woke up this morning to 3 texts from one of my most responsible students. Immediately I knew something wasn't right. The texts explained that someone had made an INSANE claim that our pastor was at the launch of our On Site campus at Sandia High School, and was preaching about the "sinful nature of homosexuality." Yes, we launched an On Site campus on Friday. Yes, Dustin was there. Funny thing is, Dustin was not introduced as our pastor and he didn't say a word. He was just creepin in the back supporting his students as they catapulted a brand new ministry.

Their sponsor teacher had a meeting with the principal this afternoon about the claims. We've yet to hear what was discussed.

So, needless to say, morning started out with me feeling an extreme case of the Monday blues. After texting Shaylynn to stay strong, and that I'm praying for her team, I was feeling a little better. Together Shaylynn and I encouraged each other out of the immediate reaction of "AKEOIROIWEMALKEJOICUASRIJ" Encouragement number 1.

Next thing I knew, Dustin was IMing me on facebook asking how the other schools were doing, any main problems, and we talked about his trip to Kenya. He fleetingly mentioned the issue at hand and said "they're all problems that come with success, so that's good! keep me updated on everything, you're doing a great job!" Encouragement number 2.

Then I get in my car, running late to econ, as always, with a way less than empty gas tank, feeling a little bit stressed. Delaney texts me to make sure I'm okay, because she saw my tweet. She simply says "Remember Satan attacks the things that have the most potential to win people to Christ! So the fact that so much is going wrong ironically means that you're doing something right! So keep on." Encouragement number 3.

As I'm walking to the library, already feeling better and trusting that God's with us as we walk through this madness and those extreme lies, I stumble upon Phillipians 4:13 chalked on the ground in front of Mitchell Hall. Whoever chalked that there had no idea how much of an impact it would have on me, but it did. It just reminded me that Christ is everywhere and is completely in control. That it's Him walking with me through all of this, and I, as well as my amazing team of students, can handle anything we come across in Christ's name. Encouragement number 4.

Somewhere in here my dad offered to buy me a tank of gas, and a near stranger asked to come to church with me on Thursday. It's funny how the scariest days can turn into the days where you see God the most.


So between the kid who made the claim about Dustin and created this mess, Shaylynn, Dustin, Delaney, and the stranger who chalked up the sidewalk, there is quite a chain of influence. Two of these people I'll likely never meet, but they effected my day in huge ways. And as Delaney was in California, Dustin in an airplane flying over Arkansas somewhere, and Shaylynn in school dealing with this up close and personal, we all had quite an important exchange today.

I just think today was neat.

on: this.

Why would I ever need another blog?

Because my old blog has become a sort of diary that I never tell people about. Because I need a place to record my dreams, my studies, my ideas, and my fears.

So follow along, because I have this feeling like Christ is leading me through some of the most interesting, difficult and beautiful times of my life, right now. I will only update this blog when I have something worth your while.

I'm excited to begin the journey of writing with purpose. Of writing with intention and wisdom and dreams.