on: ambition.

We all have some sort of inspiration. A blog, book, movie, album, artist, friend, sister. Something will get you going and no matter what subject it is, your life will feel re-motivated and you have this infectious sense that anything is possible. That that one thing you've always wanted to do is within reach.

While my inspiration comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, cheesy musicals and dance movies get me the most. And i think it's because I know that dance is a risky dream with high highs and low lows. That really truly pursuing dancing in the "real world" is a dare that some people, myself included, just won't accept taking. That dancers that stick through the years and years of heartache and rejection just to get your first real job are some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. So when I see people, even just in movies, really make the most of their talents and passion, I get inspired.

That inspiration gets me to the studio. Just watching people fulfill their dreams of dancing makes me go back, every time. And that's where the real magic happens. For whatever reason I best express myself with my movement, with my body. I learned early that everything that dance is is communication in a raw form. That while sure I love blogging and a great conversation is way on top of my favorite things list, true emotion absolutely cannot be expressed with words. It takes movement and touch. Dancing is my way of expressing, thinking and inventing, all at the same time. And it's no secret that I'm a physical person in all areas of my life. I'm always the girl jumping up and down and dancing around during worship, because I don't express my worship best through my voice, I just wanna dance for Christ. And I can't tell the people I love most the half of it with my words. I get embarrassed and shy when I try. But I'll play with your hair and hold your hand and kiss you goodnight every single night to express just how much you mean to me. For some reason my emotions are wired to go through my hands and feet more than my mouth.

So here I am again. Trying to find a ride to the studio tomorrow because even though I'm not in school and I don't have a car, I have that sense of hope and ambition that comes with dancing and that comes with faith. Some people call it naive and immature to believe that my life really is going to be okay with all of the madness that is constantly going on. Some of the people who should be my biggest supporters believe I spend too much time at the church, not enough time at school and that my dreams are naive and impossible. But I believe that God works through everything, specifically my talents and my passions and my big dreams, to inspire me in every aspect of my life. And if you are someone who thinks I'm naive or just plain dumb for having such hope and faith in the fact that God is using this time of my life for something greater, and that He gave me my use of the physical for His plans, I challenge you to think about the one thing that inspires you most. If you're a mathematician, math might not be your best inspirer, but instead perhaps the piano. Or if you're an artist, maybe reading a great book gets you there. Just because I have a heart for service and for business, doesn't mean that dance isn't the thing that has always gotten me along, that has always opened up my mind and my heart to things that are otherwise impossible. God works in and through everything, and I can't wait to see what he reveals to me in the sweat and tears of the studio.

on: one year.

If I look back at myself one year ago, I hardly recognize myself. 2010 was a year of intense growth and calling. Prepare for a lot in this blog. It's kinda long. Oops.

One year ago January was a rough month for me. I was completely lost here in Albuquerque. I had to idea why God brought me home and living here was the last thing I wanted to do. I was sick of the same places and the same things. And I wasn't in school and I was just running circles around myself in my room. I was suffering from bad insomnia and wouldn't sleep until 6 or 7 every morning, then would sleep the day away until Rob or Carol called me. I had no drive or vision for my life here. I only could think about the beautiful life that I left behind in San Diego for some completely unseen reason. Still to this day I struggle with missing the beach and Sunset Cliffs and the little coffee shops down the street from our house and dancing with my roommates in the kitchen and having conversations from the end of the pier. But I never plan on visiting the horrible darkness of that month ever again.

There are several things I can name that got me out of that place. Firstly, Rob. I'd spend my late nights with him. Walmart runs and watching Zenon (1,2 and 3) and making tacos and watching House were the only things that truly kept me human. He was the one person around me who truly understood what I was going through and wouldn't judge me or tell me to just get over it during that time. Leaving SD was tough, and he didn't try to tell me it wasn't. He just walked with me through it.

Second, Boiling Point. I'd only been involved with 212 about a month when Boiling Point came around. When I was there I realized that no matter what my family or society said, God is real. And my obsession with people and helping hurting people isn't just me being nice. It's a calling to do that to serve people, and to be Christ's hands and feet for the rest of my life. And it was time spent with the students who were experiencing the same thing. And it meant breakfasts with students from Texas and then games with kids from down the street. It was an experience that taught me that I can find a community here too, that will be just as encouraging and incredible and amazing as the one I had just left. 

(I forgot this until I got to the end, but chronologically it belongs here. I also spent my winter and beginning of spring launching the Portales Wake campus. This was seriously the highlight of my week, every week. I was able to spend time with my favorite people and we created quite a bunch. We had so much fun headed out to the sticks every week and complaining about Floyd and it was a huge part of my healing process, likely had something to do with the van...)

As spring moved in and I finally was able to shake winter off and put all of that hardship behind me, I dug in fully to 212. I began to grow as I watched these student grow. Wake and 212 were truly able to teach me about the community I've found here. God was working in me and I learned a lot about His heart, his vision for me, and became more and more confident in Him everyday. I can honestly say that this year I've been the closest to God I've ever been. In the spring and summer specifically He was active and moving and I was along for the very, very fast ride. I was completely dependent on God for the first time in my life, because I knew I could never do everything I was doing on my own. I could never be the person these students need without Him. I could never be any sort of glow team leader without Him, let alone being in charge of everything I'm doing now. He's led me on a wild ride being involved in Copper Pointe with everything from weeding car stickers all night long to making boiling pointe binders on my birthday to spray painting the stage for Christmas Eve to dancing to On Site. 

Also spring meant my first date with Rob. of which we technically had 2. March 12th we were supposed to go on our first date. (Also, it's worth mentioning that February involved some of the most frustrating moments of my life trying to figure out if Rob was just the world's greatest gentlemen, or the worlds greatest best friend, or flirting with me, or all three. I had absolutely no idea what to think about the situation besides the fact that I was crazy about him and had no idea how to cross the line. Which he ended up doing in the best way possible. So really I had nothing to freak out about. But I did. Everyday.)

March 12th, however, the roadies were in town. As well as 14 people who had just finished sleeping outside of Senator Coburns office in Oklahoma City. So our first "date" meant eating Chick-Fil-A with the roadies and Tony and Richard, and showing them Shirley and the sunset. It was the perfect bridge of my worlds. And a really great picture of the magic that was to come. And literally every day since that day things have only gotten better and better. I learned that sometimes seeing him meant spending the wee hours of the morning with him at the church while he worked and I helped as best I could. And I learned that he is one of the most intelligent men anyone will meet. He knows what to do, no matter what you're doing. He is incredible at his work and He follows God where he leads. He leads students with ease and isn't afraid to stand strong in his opinion. He also opens my car doors and randomly buys me lunch and pumps my gas and watches my ballet classes. I love thinking about the lives we're creating. 

Then summer came. And summer meant late nights with my best friends. Swimming at my dad's every week. MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD. Frozen yogurt and trips to Denver (one of my favorite trips I've ever had) and Rob getting sunburnt and movies and so much love. Delaney was home from South Africa and I got to reconnect with her all summer long. Catan games every Sunday and 212 every Tuesday. Then July 12th happened. I'll never forget that day as long as I live.

It was a Sunday. We all had gone to church the night before so we could watch the World Cup game at Rob's Parents place, which started at noon. There were SO many people there. Lots of food, and cheering and vuvuzelas and it was amazing! A good game and so much love. I had a Therefore Go meeting that day at 4, and right before I left Rob's house to head to flying star, I heard from Natalie that there was a bombing in Kampala, Uganda. We immediately started trying to figure out if we had any friends there, as most of the time our friends are far north of Kampala. I spent the meeting working hard on stalking every news site, twitter and facebook contact I could find. Having this pit in my stomach knowing that I have people I love at risk. We heard that there was an American killed, and several others wounded. I headed back to Rob's house, with still no idea where my friends were, and if they were safe. We began watching Sherlock Holmes. I was clinging to my phone. Natalie calls, I step outside right as Natalie tells me that our friend and IC family member Nate was the american killed. I fell to the ground in Rob's front yard, not knowing what to think. I don't think either of us said anything for at least 2 minutes. Rob came outside and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him no, hang up with Natalie, and actually say out loud "Nate is the American who died. My friend Nate just died."

And even though we know that Nate was a man of God and he beat us all to heaven, the mourning process was one that I was seriously unfamiliar with. I'd never known anyone who had died. I didn't even know how to breathe for the next 2 days. I ate french fries and coffee the next day at work. And nearly threw up every time I had some free time. That weekend was Nate's memorial. Shawn and I drove to San Diego to be with the family and to celebrate the life that Nate lived. I stayed at the Roadie house, I drove around San Diego with Shawn and Natalie. We went to our old Yogurtland and our favorite beach. We celebrated a blessed life. 

And like any death does, it made me really think hard about the families and the circles I'm in. The influence I have on people. The influence Nate had on me. The next week, Chris Baillie died in a hiking accident. I was floored that God took two faithful and revolutionary men from us within 9 days of each other. I was heart broken and numb for weeks. During the month of July I learned that this world can be more painful than I really had known before. I experienced death first hand.

"Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance. you are not alone in this, you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and we will hold your hand."

July 14th I became Rob's girlfriend, officially. (What a week, I know.) And the 6 months since then have been months full of commitment and service and true care for one another. Of sunrises and sunsets and trips to Santa Fe and dinners with his family and Christmas together and I could spend an entire blog this length talking only about him, but that'd bore most of you, so I will restrain myself. And it's more than just the cheesy things. It's doing nothing at his house, but knowing I'm always welcome there. It's talking about real things, real struggles and real frustrations. Real victories. It's knowing that I can count on him to answer his phone and never flake out. It's the security I've never had.

Looking back, the biggest events of my year happened before July. Needless to say, I learned a lot this year. I've been challenged and strengthened in my faith, and have found the community I've spent so much time yearning for. My best friends and my church have created the sort of world I've always wanted. The kind of family I have with Invisible Children. I cherish our late night chats and our hard talks and our catan games and our nights spent at the church cleaning the production loft more than I can ever say.

And I know a lot of this blog was just a chronological account of my year. But in all of these events and people and students and lives and interactions I've had the most incredible year of my life. If you're reading this, I promise you've had a part in my growth and my strength this year.

Looking forward, I know 2011 will be solely about God. I know that i want to challenge myself in my faith in ways I haven't yet and I want to know more about God's heart, now that I've learned an incredible amount about His church and His work here on earth. I know that God will be leading my relationship, my education, my leadership. Everything. And I want to work on letting God heal the hurts I have that I've never recognized or brought out in the open. I want God to help me in my insecurities and in my addictions and in my slip ups. And I want to be better at documenting it all. It feels good to be beginning a year with the drive and determination and focus and calling that I didn't have last year. I can't wait for things to take off.

I don't really know how to end this. I just spent 2 hours going over the last 12 months of my life and it's crazy to think that my life is barreling forward, and tomorrow and the next day and the next are days I'm going to remember. Sorry this has been quite a novel. I guess it was more for me than for you but if you made it this far I applaud you.