Most of my blogs I try to write only after things have fallen together in one way or another. When I'm in a place of retrospection and I have a good story to tell. This time, I've been waiting and waiting to come to some sort of conclusion to tell the story. Well, it hasn't happened yet and actually looks like it might be months away. So here we go anyway.
For months I've felt this stirring in me to move again. It's why I applied for another internship for the summer. It's probably why I've been so distracted. But I've had a hard time distinguishing what is the life God has for me and what is my own selfish impulse. Is my love for California and the coast a real drive to live there, or just something I want to do? I've heard it said that one of biggest ways to obey God was to stay put where He puts you. I've had an incredibly difficult time discerning ANYTHING.
At the same time that my wanting to move is happening, I'm realizing that I'm really, really not doing so well at UNM. That I don't love the campus. That I thrive on community that doesn't exist at UNM. That I honestly don't manage my time very well. That failing this many classes isn't good. That I want to live on campus and dedicate all of my time to school, so I can come home and dedicate all of my time to church in the summers. I've realized that I really, really want to move away to finish college. Go out of state. Anywhere, really.
All of this happened right around the time that UNM let me know that, again, my financial aid fell through. So I registered myself at CNM, and after paying a 30 dollar fee to get my ACT scores sent there, I'll officially be taking classes at a more inexpensive school until I figure out what's next.
Don't get me wrong, this whole concept terrifies me. I don't even know where to start. But looking at this all written down, I guess all of this just kind of works out in a way that is a little too specific to just call neat. I'm just thinking God is working through me and calling me to other things. And I really, really don't think I'll finish school anytime soon at UNM.
This blog has no real value to anyone but me, I guess. No one thing that brings it all together, like most of the other things I write. But writing it helps me figure it out, which is the reason I started blogging in the first place. But, if you see me at CNM this fall and you see me applying for schools in random places, don't be too surprised.
Mom and Dad - we'll talk about this more I promise. Just know that I'm trying to do the most responsible and important thing for me. I know that I am capable of so much and I don't want to waste my college years. I want to travel and live in another place and I want to graduate and I don't feel like this is the best place for me to do this anymore. And I'm terrified and thrilled to think about other options.
Copper Pointe - I promise I won't be gone forever, or even if I'm really leaving. I'll just be another college student who comes home. Also, for all of you who I know will wonder about this, yes, Rob knows and yes, we're totally amazing better than ever like usual. :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
on: magic.
People love magic. They adore the cute rabbits hiding inside hats and the card tricks your nephew learned online. The kind of cute tricks that create instant awe and amusement. They love the feeling they get when they cant quite understand what happens behind the smoke screen, but they know it's amazing regardless.
There's a different kind of magic that has a different kind of effect. And it's something I've come in close contact with on multiple occasions in just this last few weeks. It's a kind of magic that takes work, and dedication. Where you create and build something with others. This magic doesn't work by itself, which is perhaps the most important part.
It's the kind of magic you feel when you're dancing with your best friends under the moonlight to an incredible band that you love. It's the kind of magic you feel when you can't sit still in your seat because the musical you're watching is just so stinking good. It's the kind of magic you feel when the person you love gives you the extra kiss goodnight. And it's the kind of magic you feel when your old peers, who then became your students, are graduating and creating something incredible, while leaving behind a legacy.
All of these things come from such a special place because they're all created from a special mix of love, dedication, art and spark. You can't have any of these magic moments without all of them. Without an intense passion for the show you're putting on, or the relationship you're building. Without a dedication to be the best teacher you can be, or creating the best work you possibly can. You also can't create the magic without the spark. The something that makes it special. The key ingredient. And it's very strange that in my life, I know so many sparks.
I have incredible magicians in my life. People who can take a regular moment and make it special. I've been to a ton of concerts in my life, of all kinds. Monday night's was special. Monday meant some of the most talented musicians I've ever seen. It was the kind of music you can feel. You can feel the heartbreak in the songs. You can feel the passion. You can feel the joy. It's not something you have to pay attention to, or listen closely for. They were telling us the story of their lives and they were SO talented that I laughed danced and cried along with them. They had that spark.
I've watched many classes graduate, but really none like this one. Michael, Scott, Tessa, Natalee, Michelle, you guys are a special level of incredible. You are the kind of people who can change things. The world, even. You guys have each become an incredible artist in your own way. You've become leaders, and you've barely started. You've learned and absorbed and and created. I admire you each so much. Please don't ever forget the art that you are so good at creating. The dedication that you have, and the talent that God's given you. Because I promise you, it is there for a reason. You each have the spark.
I've seen lots of musicals before, and even been in a few myself. But I've never experienced one like tonight. You guys set the stage on fire. You had me dancing in my seat. You had me singing along and feeling like I too could conquer the world (and change television forever.) Jonathan, you in particular were absolutely spectacular. You are sincerely one of the most talented performers I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I mean it. You command attention, you work hard and you're grounded. You were the perfect Link Larkin, and I would pay money for your version of It Takes Two. In.Credible. You have the spark. And everyone else on that stage tonight was of an UNBELIEVABLE standard. Ari, Mandy, Tyler, Jessica, Jonte, Easton. All of you. You ALL have the spark.
And you know too, I've kissed a lot of boys. Maybe more than I should have. But there's something special about the one I'm with. Rob, you too have the spark. You're an artist. You see this world in pictures and in motion. You see it in design and in film. You can create virtually anything with whatever parameters and time limit you're given, and you effectively and amazingly are spreading Christ through all of this. You know when blue lights looks better than red lights and you know how to create a mood and a scene on stage with nothing but light. You know how to present a package that can be well read and absorbed. You are passionate and dedicated and you truly love what you do. You bypass any obstacle and remain focused and grounded. And you're pretty cute too. You have the spark.
And being in the audience tonight made me remember when people used to tell me that I too, had that in me. And it's kinda crazy to believe now that I'm using that same spark that used to land me dance solos to pursue an International Management major. It's been pretty crazy to watch the artist in me collide with the business geek in me. They usually get along pretty well, and it makes all my econ homework a lot prettier than the other students. I know that one day my love for dance and for the stage and that spark that was struck within me will be what lands me THAT job, or THAT trip, or THAT promotion, because it's already landed me THAT internship. And that's what's so special about people with the spark. With the love in them. People who can truly create magic. Because whether it's behind the camera, working the soundboard, creating videos, performing live on stage, or landing the managers position, an artist will remain an artist. We see the world differently. As a stage, or a canvas, or a set.
All this to say, I'm proud and in awe of so many people around me. I am re-promising to myself to not lose the spark that taught me so many things. I am promising to instead use the art and the magic inside of me to pursue what my future looks like now, and to support and love all of the rest of these insanely incredible people too.
I also challenge you to create magic. To build up the relationships around you to a whole different level. To dance harder in your next class. To go for the audition you think you have no shot at. To kiss your boyfriend one more time. To do excellent in your next job interview. To see the world differently. Because if we all took a step back, and lived excellently while actively trying to create and build up these magic moments that we've all seen glimpses of, we will change the world.
Accept the challenge and create magic.
There's a different kind of magic that has a different kind of effect. And it's something I've come in close contact with on multiple occasions in just this last few weeks. It's a kind of magic that takes work, and dedication. Where you create and build something with others. This magic doesn't work by itself, which is perhaps the most important part.
It's the kind of magic you feel when you're dancing with your best friends under the moonlight to an incredible band that you love. It's the kind of magic you feel when you can't sit still in your seat because the musical you're watching is just so stinking good. It's the kind of magic you feel when the person you love gives you the extra kiss goodnight. And it's the kind of magic you feel when your old peers, who then became your students, are graduating and creating something incredible, while leaving behind a legacy.
All of these things come from such a special place because they're all created from a special mix of love, dedication, art and spark. You can't have any of these magic moments without all of them. Without an intense passion for the show you're putting on, or the relationship you're building. Without a dedication to be the best teacher you can be, or creating the best work you possibly can. You also can't create the magic without the spark. The something that makes it special. The key ingredient. And it's very strange that in my life, I know so many sparks.
I have incredible magicians in my life. People who can take a regular moment and make it special. I've been to a ton of concerts in my life, of all kinds. Monday night's was special. Monday meant some of the most talented musicians I've ever seen. It was the kind of music you can feel. You can feel the heartbreak in the songs. You can feel the passion. You can feel the joy. It's not something you have to pay attention to, or listen closely for. They were telling us the story of their lives and they were SO talented that I laughed danced and cried along with them. They had that spark.
I've watched many classes graduate, but really none like this one. Michael, Scott, Tessa, Natalee, Michelle, you guys are a special level of incredible. You are the kind of people who can change things. The world, even. You guys have each become an incredible artist in your own way. You've become leaders, and you've barely started. You've learned and absorbed and and created. I admire you each so much. Please don't ever forget the art that you are so good at creating. The dedication that you have, and the talent that God's given you. Because I promise you, it is there for a reason. You each have the spark.
I've seen lots of musicals before, and even been in a few myself. But I've never experienced one like tonight. You guys set the stage on fire. You had me dancing in my seat. You had me singing along and feeling like I too could conquer the world (and change television forever.) Jonathan, you in particular were absolutely spectacular. You are sincerely one of the most talented performers I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I mean it. You command attention, you work hard and you're grounded. You were the perfect Link Larkin, and I would pay money for your version of It Takes Two. In.Credible. You have the spark. And everyone else on that stage tonight was of an UNBELIEVABLE standard. Ari, Mandy, Tyler, Jessica, Jonte, Easton. All of you. You ALL have the spark.
And you know too, I've kissed a lot of boys. Maybe more than I should have. But there's something special about the one I'm with. Rob, you too have the spark. You're an artist. You see this world in pictures and in motion. You see it in design and in film. You can create virtually anything with whatever parameters and time limit you're given, and you effectively and amazingly are spreading Christ through all of this. You know when blue lights looks better than red lights and you know how to create a mood and a scene on stage with nothing but light. You know how to present a package that can be well read and absorbed. You are passionate and dedicated and you truly love what you do. You bypass any obstacle and remain focused and grounded. And you're pretty cute too. You have the spark.
And being in the audience tonight made me remember when people used to tell me that I too, had that in me. And it's kinda crazy to believe now that I'm using that same spark that used to land me dance solos to pursue an International Management major. It's been pretty crazy to watch the artist in me collide with the business geek in me. They usually get along pretty well, and it makes all my econ homework a lot prettier than the other students. I know that one day my love for dance and for the stage and that spark that was struck within me will be what lands me THAT job, or THAT trip, or THAT promotion, because it's already landed me THAT internship. And that's what's so special about people with the spark. With the love in them. People who can truly create magic. Because whether it's behind the camera, working the soundboard, creating videos, performing live on stage, or landing the managers position, an artist will remain an artist. We see the world differently. As a stage, or a canvas, or a set.
All this to say, I'm proud and in awe of so many people around me. I am re-promising to myself to not lose the spark that taught me so many things. I am promising to instead use the art and the magic inside of me to pursue what my future looks like now, and to support and love all of the rest of these insanely incredible people too.
I also challenge you to create magic. To build up the relationships around you to a whole different level. To dance harder in your next class. To go for the audition you think you have no shot at. To kiss your boyfriend one more time. To do excellent in your next job interview. To see the world differently. Because if we all took a step back, and lived excellently while actively trying to create and build up these magic moments that we've all seen glimpses of, we will change the world.
Accept the challenge and create magic.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
on: decisions.
Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm sorry I've neglected you, blog, for a month. I promise to never do it again. Please can we still be friends?
We all have to make decisions on a day to day basis. Sometimes it's as small as what type of coffee you'll have, and sometimes it's which guy you date, and sometimes it's where you live, or what you do. And sometimes the decisions can be life changing in a big way.
Yes, I'm in the middle of a decision. No, I won't tell you what it is. Yet.
Making a decision like what kind of coffee to get can be simple, doesn't really threaten you in any way and you can decide pretty quickly and move on with your day. It's the decisions that create tension and cause your hands to shake that are the ones that you'll really remember. The moments where you're laying awake at night crying begging for God to just speak to you so clearly so that you cannot miss what he says, but he still seems to remain quiet. It's the moments when push comes to shove and the deadline is approaching and you still have no idea what to do. It's when both options seem incredible validated and correct. (With me yet? Tell me I'm not the only one here.) It's when you're filling out the application, or asking the questions, or quitting the job. When you're taking a huge risk and stepping out of the boat with faith that Jesus will get you to walk on water.
Because isn't that what a decision like that is all about? It's about making a move that you know you can't do all by yourself. It's about trusting that Jesus is gonna pull you through, because for some reason you can't shake the knowledge that He wants you taking that path, choosing that job, dating that guy, even though the outcome seems incredibly impossible.
My last 2 years have been FULL of seemingly impossible decisions. Lots of sleepless nights trying to decipher whether I really should live here or not, whether Christ really wants me to date him or not, where I should work and who I should live with. And every single one of those moments I've seen Jesus show up, at the perfect time, to calm my shaking hands, give me the oxygen I wasn't taking in on my own, and walk me across the water. The toughest decisions have the highest payoffs, and it's during these decisions that I most often have the overwhelming presence of God. Where all of the sudden I just KNOW the choice I need to make. Isn't that something? That when I am in need of guidance, in that most critical moment, He absolutely never fails to show up. It almost makes me look forward to these decisions. To those moments where I'm struck by fear and I can't move one way or another simply because what's on the line seems huge to me. I look forward to experiencing God's undeniable presence, even though I cannot stand every moment of insecurity leading up to that moment.
That happened again last week. Where all of the sudden I knew I knew what I needed to do. And now that decision is not in my hands anymore. I took my step out of the boat because of God's undeniable voice. He worked through Rob in a way I doubt Rob even realizes, and gave me the strength to listen to the big scary voice with the choice that I didn't want to make. The choice I made was not my own, although I'm coming around to it. The choice I made, however, I know was God's choice for me, and He used every available outlet to tell that to me. Until I finally sucked it up and listened. (It's also amazing how every single time, God's gotten me to the absolute RIGHT decision, yet every time I still am afraid to take the choice I know He wants me too. That's another blog.)
I don't really know what all of this is to say except that God is great. He's working in my life more than ever these days and is showing me dreams and visions of what my life is going to look like. He's planning out the steps for me and he's putting me up to these hard, hard decisions for me to get there. Beth Moore said something in our study this last week that I cannot ignore. I know God put it there for me for this decision exactly. She said "As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when it was said and done, I'd sit on the side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life."
And that right there is the realization I'm coming to these days. That I am not called to an easy life, and the people around me might not accept or understand my decision in any way. They might think I'm crazy and doubt that this is actually what God wants for my life. That's part of the fun, I guess, though. Because through all of that I get to see God work. When I can release details, I will. But for now, I'm just praising God for getting me here, and for giving me the answer to this seemingly impossible question. And thanks again, Rob, for working in a way you might not realize. For inspiring me and encouraging me. For showing me that a person can thrive in a tough decision and a tough environment, if you rely on something greater than yourself. I'm never anything but amazed watching you.
All this being said, I can't wait to report to you what happens when all of this is worked through. Either way, it will be a great story of God working in my life. And I know I know that living in the life God has for me is always going to be the best thing I could do.
We all have to make decisions on a day to day basis. Sometimes it's as small as what type of coffee you'll have, and sometimes it's which guy you date, and sometimes it's where you live, or what you do. And sometimes the decisions can be life changing in a big way.
Yes, I'm in the middle of a decision. No, I won't tell you what it is. Yet.
Making a decision like what kind of coffee to get can be simple, doesn't really threaten you in any way and you can decide pretty quickly and move on with your day. It's the decisions that create tension and cause your hands to shake that are the ones that you'll really remember. The moments where you're laying awake at night crying begging for God to just speak to you so clearly so that you cannot miss what he says, but he still seems to remain quiet. It's the moments when push comes to shove and the deadline is approaching and you still have no idea what to do. It's when both options seem incredible validated and correct. (With me yet? Tell me I'm not the only one here.) It's when you're filling out the application, or asking the questions, or quitting the job. When you're taking a huge risk and stepping out of the boat with faith that Jesus will get you to walk on water.
Because isn't that what a decision like that is all about? It's about making a move that you know you can't do all by yourself. It's about trusting that Jesus is gonna pull you through, because for some reason you can't shake the knowledge that He wants you taking that path, choosing that job, dating that guy, even though the outcome seems incredibly impossible.
My last 2 years have been FULL of seemingly impossible decisions. Lots of sleepless nights trying to decipher whether I really should live here or not, whether Christ really wants me to date him or not, where I should work and who I should live with. And every single one of those moments I've seen Jesus show up, at the perfect time, to calm my shaking hands, give me the oxygen I wasn't taking in on my own, and walk me across the water. The toughest decisions have the highest payoffs, and it's during these decisions that I most often have the overwhelming presence of God. Where all of the sudden I just KNOW the choice I need to make. Isn't that something? That when I am in need of guidance, in that most critical moment, He absolutely never fails to show up. It almost makes me look forward to these decisions. To those moments where I'm struck by fear and I can't move one way or another simply because what's on the line seems huge to me. I look forward to experiencing God's undeniable presence, even though I cannot stand every moment of insecurity leading up to that moment.
That happened again last week. Where all of the sudden I knew I knew what I needed to do. And now that decision is not in my hands anymore. I took my step out of the boat because of God's undeniable voice. He worked through Rob in a way I doubt Rob even realizes, and gave me the strength to listen to the big scary voice with the choice that I didn't want to make. The choice I made was not my own, although I'm coming around to it. The choice I made, however, I know was God's choice for me, and He used every available outlet to tell that to me. Until I finally sucked it up and listened. (It's also amazing how every single time, God's gotten me to the absolute RIGHT decision, yet every time I still am afraid to take the choice I know He wants me too. That's another blog.)
I don't really know what all of this is to say except that God is great. He's working in my life more than ever these days and is showing me dreams and visions of what my life is going to look like. He's planning out the steps for me and he's putting me up to these hard, hard decisions for me to get there. Beth Moore said something in our study this last week that I cannot ignore. I know God put it there for me for this decision exactly. She said "As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when it was said and done, I'd sit on the side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life."
And that right there is the realization I'm coming to these days. That I am not called to an easy life, and the people around me might not accept or understand my decision in any way. They might think I'm crazy and doubt that this is actually what God wants for my life. That's part of the fun, I guess, though. Because through all of that I get to see God work. When I can release details, I will. But for now, I'm just praising God for getting me here, and for giving me the answer to this seemingly impossible question. And thanks again, Rob, for working in a way you might not realize. For inspiring me and encouraging me. For showing me that a person can thrive in a tough decision and a tough environment, if you rely on something greater than yourself. I'm never anything but amazed watching you.
All this being said, I can't wait to report to you what happens when all of this is worked through. Either way, it will be a great story of God working in my life. And I know I know that living in the life God has for me is always going to be the best thing I could do.
Monday, February 7, 2011
on: sexuality. yeah, i said it.
It's 1:01 am, I have ten tons of homework to do, I'm 3 days behind in my bible study and I only slept 4 hours last night. Yet something won't let me settle in calmly. I heard a very talented man speak on a subject dear to my heart today and I'm not really sure how to digest it yet. We'll see if this helps. Please prepare for some unrehearsed statements.
His name is Ricky Chelette (the t's ARE pronounced, I learned) and he is the executive director of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Texas. (livehope.org is their website) His organization helps people who struggle with sexual struggles of any kind, particularly people who struggle with homosexuality.
Before I go any further, let's get something out on the table. I mean what I say when I say 'struggle with homosexuality' or 'same gender attraction' as Ricky put it. I believe in every word of the bible, I believe that God created man and woman to be together and I don't believe that people can be living in God's full will while living in a homosexual lifestyle. Same as I believe that people can't be living in God's full will for their lives while they're addicted to pornography or cheating on their wife or having sex outside of marriage or anything else that is just pulling them away from Christ and following him. Not condemning homosexual behavior ANY more than my own, because we are ALL in need of a savior and I am always very aware of my short comings and struggles and sins and, well, hopefully you get the picture at this point.
That all being said, there's always been a soft spot in my heart for those who deal with same gender attraction. (Enter ex-boyfriend jokes here. If you know the stories then yes, you can laugh.) Now that the jokes are over, I'm being completely serious. I've dealt with a lot of sexual issues in my past too. I've had sex, I've gotten addicted to the power of it, and I got worn out by the emotional wars that come when sex isn't in God's will. That's another blog. I have always, though, really searched for an answer and for a straight black and white answer that wasn't so harsh as what is generally perceived from Christians towards people who struggle with all this.
I get offended when people make gay jokes. I hate when people use the word gay as some sort of slang or derrogatory term. But I do think the behavior is wrong, so I've always been confused about how to completely conquer the topic. (Do you see the thought vomit yet? Still don't really know where I'm going with this...)
But today everything Ricky said made complete sense. I know that the way we're genetically predisposed changes how we need to be nurtured. I understand what he said when he talked about the difference between a mother's love and affection and a father's love and affection in a young boy. And I know that some of my closest guy friends are who Ricky called the "sensitive" type, who may be more predisposed to struggle with homosexual behavior. And I love them even more because of that. Because they know who they are in God's sight and they are men of God regardless of who the outside world would label them as. I think that Ricky's way of talking through every little detail that men go through was extremely insightful and I will never forget that information when I have children. (Which I feel like I WILL have a son, just because I'll have NO CLUE what to do with a son. Oh Lord.) I just cannot express the value of the information and insight Ricky shared.
That being said too, I absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot stand when someone can take one look at a man's behavior and immediately label him as gay. If he has dispositions one way or another and behaviors one way or another that says nothing about his sexuality. I've met some pretty dang flamboyant men who were being outrageous for Christ. And no one would know on first glance. Also, know that I'm not saying that homosexuality is something that's easy to combat or understand or comprehend or shake off. I only know that Ricky gave some awesome ways of beginning to unravel the mystery today.
All of this may be called naive or childish and I might be called a blind Christian or whatever. But like I said, I believe that it's wrong, just like all my struggles are too. I just know that I have this heart in me for people who struggle sexually. Because I've known some incredible men who have. And I personally have struggled sexually beyond belief. I'm just all wrapped up in thought about it tonight and if this confused or offended anyone, totally sorry.
Tomorrow I might have another blog, because tomorrow I'm getting to see him again, where he'll be talking more about woman's sexuality. Really excited. Stay tuned for more sexuality thought vomit. (Yikes.)
His name is Ricky Chelette (the t's ARE pronounced, I learned) and he is the executive director of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Texas. (livehope.org is their website) His organization helps people who struggle with sexual struggles of any kind, particularly people who struggle with homosexuality.
Before I go any further, let's get something out on the table. I mean what I say when I say 'struggle with homosexuality' or 'same gender attraction' as Ricky put it. I believe in every word of the bible, I believe that God created man and woman to be together and I don't believe that people can be living in God's full will while living in a homosexual lifestyle. Same as I believe that people can't be living in God's full will for their lives while they're addicted to pornography or cheating on their wife or having sex outside of marriage or anything else that is just pulling them away from Christ and following him. Not condemning homosexual behavior ANY more than my own, because we are ALL in need of a savior and I am always very aware of my short comings and struggles and sins and, well, hopefully you get the picture at this point.
That all being said, there's always been a soft spot in my heart for those who deal with same gender attraction. (Enter ex-boyfriend jokes here. If you know the stories then yes, you can laugh.) Now that the jokes are over, I'm being completely serious. I've dealt with a lot of sexual issues in my past too. I've had sex, I've gotten addicted to the power of it, and I got worn out by the emotional wars that come when sex isn't in God's will. That's another blog. I have always, though, really searched for an answer and for a straight black and white answer that wasn't so harsh as what is generally perceived from Christians towards people who struggle with all this.
I get offended when people make gay jokes. I hate when people use the word gay as some sort of slang or derrogatory term. But I do think the behavior is wrong, so I've always been confused about how to completely conquer the topic. (Do you see the thought vomit yet? Still don't really know where I'm going with this...)
But today everything Ricky said made complete sense. I know that the way we're genetically predisposed changes how we need to be nurtured. I understand what he said when he talked about the difference between a mother's love and affection and a father's love and affection in a young boy. And I know that some of my closest guy friends are who Ricky called the "sensitive" type, who may be more predisposed to struggle with homosexual behavior. And I love them even more because of that. Because they know who they are in God's sight and they are men of God regardless of who the outside world would label them as. I think that Ricky's way of talking through every little detail that men go through was extremely insightful and I will never forget that information when I have children. (Which I feel like I WILL have a son, just because I'll have NO CLUE what to do with a son. Oh Lord.) I just cannot express the value of the information and insight Ricky shared.
That being said too, I absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot stand when someone can take one look at a man's behavior and immediately label him as gay. If he has dispositions one way or another and behaviors one way or another that says nothing about his sexuality. I've met some pretty dang flamboyant men who were being outrageous for Christ. And no one would know on first glance. Also, know that I'm not saying that homosexuality is something that's easy to combat or understand or comprehend or shake off. I only know that Ricky gave some awesome ways of beginning to unravel the mystery today.
All of this may be called naive or childish and I might be called a blind Christian or whatever. But like I said, I believe that it's wrong, just like all my struggles are too. I just know that I have this heart in me for people who struggle sexually. Because I've known some incredible men who have. And I personally have struggled sexually beyond belief. I'm just all wrapped up in thought about it tonight and if this confused or offended anyone, totally sorry.
Tomorrow I might have another blog, because tomorrow I'm getting to see him again, where he'll be talking more about woman's sexuality. Really excited. Stay tuned for more sexuality thought vomit. (Yikes.)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
on: ambition.
We all have some sort of inspiration. A blog, book, movie, album, artist, friend, sister. Something will get you going and no matter what subject it is, your life will feel re-motivated and you have this infectious sense that anything is possible. That that one thing you've always wanted to do is within reach.
While my inspiration comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, cheesy musicals and dance movies get me the most. And i think it's because I know that dance is a risky dream with high highs and low lows. That really truly pursuing dancing in the "real world" is a dare that some people, myself included, just won't accept taking. That dancers that stick through the years and years of heartache and rejection just to get your first real job are some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. So when I see people, even just in movies, really make the most of their talents and passion, I get inspired.
That inspiration gets me to the studio. Just watching people fulfill their dreams of dancing makes me go back, every time. And that's where the real magic happens. For whatever reason I best express myself with my movement, with my body. I learned early that everything that dance is is communication in a raw form. That while sure I love blogging and a great conversation is way on top of my favorite things list, true emotion absolutely cannot be expressed with words. It takes movement and touch. Dancing is my way of expressing, thinking and inventing, all at the same time. And it's no secret that I'm a physical person in all areas of my life. I'm always the girl jumping up and down and dancing around during worship, because I don't express my worship best through my voice, I just wanna dance for Christ. And I can't tell the people I love most the half of it with my words. I get embarrassed and shy when I try. But I'll play with your hair and hold your hand and kiss you goodnight every single night to express just how much you mean to me. For some reason my emotions are wired to go through my hands and feet more than my mouth.
So here I am again. Trying to find a ride to the studio tomorrow because even though I'm not in school and I don't have a car, I have that sense of hope and ambition that comes with dancing and that comes with faith. Some people call it naive and immature to believe that my life really is going to be okay with all of the madness that is constantly going on. Some of the people who should be my biggest supporters believe I spend too much time at the church, not enough time at school and that my dreams are naive and impossible. But I believe that God works through everything, specifically my talents and my passions and my big dreams, to inspire me in every aspect of my life. And if you are someone who thinks I'm naive or just plain dumb for having such hope and faith in the fact that God is using this time of my life for something greater, and that He gave me my use of the physical for His plans, I challenge you to think about the one thing that inspires you most. If you're a mathematician, math might not be your best inspirer, but instead perhaps the piano. Or if you're an artist, maybe reading a great book gets you there. Just because I have a heart for service and for business, doesn't mean that dance isn't the thing that has always gotten me along, that has always opened up my mind and my heart to things that are otherwise impossible. God works in and through everything, and I can't wait to see what he reveals to me in the sweat and tears of the studio.
While my inspiration comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, cheesy musicals and dance movies get me the most. And i think it's because I know that dance is a risky dream with high highs and low lows. That really truly pursuing dancing in the "real world" is a dare that some people, myself included, just won't accept taking. That dancers that stick through the years and years of heartache and rejection just to get your first real job are some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. So when I see people, even just in movies, really make the most of their talents and passion, I get inspired.
That inspiration gets me to the studio. Just watching people fulfill their dreams of dancing makes me go back, every time. And that's where the real magic happens. For whatever reason I best express myself with my movement, with my body. I learned early that everything that dance is is communication in a raw form. That while sure I love blogging and a great conversation is way on top of my favorite things list, true emotion absolutely cannot be expressed with words. It takes movement and touch. Dancing is my way of expressing, thinking and inventing, all at the same time. And it's no secret that I'm a physical person in all areas of my life. I'm always the girl jumping up and down and dancing around during worship, because I don't express my worship best through my voice, I just wanna dance for Christ. And I can't tell the people I love most the half of it with my words. I get embarrassed and shy when I try. But I'll play with your hair and hold your hand and kiss you goodnight every single night to express just how much you mean to me. For some reason my emotions are wired to go through my hands and feet more than my mouth.
So here I am again. Trying to find a ride to the studio tomorrow because even though I'm not in school and I don't have a car, I have that sense of hope and ambition that comes with dancing and that comes with faith. Some people call it naive and immature to believe that my life really is going to be okay with all of the madness that is constantly going on. Some of the people who should be my biggest supporters believe I spend too much time at the church, not enough time at school and that my dreams are naive and impossible. But I believe that God works through everything, specifically my talents and my passions and my big dreams, to inspire me in every aspect of my life. And if you are someone who thinks I'm naive or just plain dumb for having such hope and faith in the fact that God is using this time of my life for something greater, and that He gave me my use of the physical for His plans, I challenge you to think about the one thing that inspires you most. If you're a mathematician, math might not be your best inspirer, but instead perhaps the piano. Or if you're an artist, maybe reading a great book gets you there. Just because I have a heart for service and for business, doesn't mean that dance isn't the thing that has always gotten me along, that has always opened up my mind and my heart to things that are otherwise impossible. God works in and through everything, and I can't wait to see what he reveals to me in the sweat and tears of the studio.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
on: one year.
If I look back at myself one year ago, I hardly recognize myself. 2010 was a year of intense growth and calling. Prepare for a lot in this blog. It's kinda long. Oops.
One year ago January was a rough month for me. I was completely lost here in Albuquerque. I had to idea why God brought me home and living here was the last thing I wanted to do. I was sick of the same places and the same things. And I wasn't in school and I was just running circles around myself in my room. I was suffering from bad insomnia and wouldn't sleep until 6 or 7 every morning, then would sleep the day away until Rob or Carol called me. I had no drive or vision for my life here. I only could think about the beautiful life that I left behind in San Diego for some completely unseen reason. Still to this day I struggle with missing the beach and Sunset Cliffs and the little coffee shops down the street from our house and dancing with my roommates in the kitchen and having conversations from the end of the pier. But I never plan on visiting the horrible darkness of that month ever again.
There are several things I can name that got me out of that place. Firstly, Rob. I'd spend my late nights with him. Walmart runs and watching Zenon (1,2 and 3) and making tacos and watching House were the only things that truly kept me human. He was the one person around me who truly understood what I was going through and wouldn't judge me or tell me to just get over it during that time. Leaving SD was tough, and he didn't try to tell me it wasn't. He just walked with me through it.
Second, Boiling Point. I'd only been involved with 212 about a month when Boiling Point came around. When I was there I realized that no matter what my family or society said, God is real. And my obsession with people and helping hurting people isn't just me being nice. It's a calling to do that to serve people, and to be Christ's hands and feet for the rest of my life. And it was time spent with the students who were experiencing the same thing. And it meant breakfasts with students from Texas and then games with kids from down the street. It was an experience that taught me that I can find a community here too, that will be just as encouraging and incredible and amazing as the one I had just left.
(I forgot this until I got to the end, but chronologically it belongs here. I also spent my winter and beginning of spring launching the Portales Wake campus. This was seriously the highlight of my week, every week. I was able to spend time with my favorite people and we created quite a bunch. We had so much fun headed out to the sticks every week and complaining about Floyd and it was a huge part of my healing process, likely had something to do with the van...)
As spring moved in and I finally was able to shake winter off and put all of that hardship behind me, I dug in fully to 212. I began to grow as I watched these student grow. Wake and 212 were truly able to teach me about the community I've found here. God was working in me and I learned a lot about His heart, his vision for me, and became more and more confident in Him everyday. I can honestly say that this year I've been the closest to God I've ever been. In the spring and summer specifically He was active and moving and I was along for the very, very fast ride. I was completely dependent on God for the first time in my life, because I knew I could never do everything I was doing on my own. I could never be the person these students need without Him. I could never be any sort of glow team leader without Him, let alone being in charge of everything I'm doing now. He's led me on a wild ride being involved in Copper Pointe with everything from weeding car stickers all night long to making boiling pointe binders on my birthday to spray painting the stage for Christmas Eve to dancing to On Site.
Also spring meant my first date with Rob. of which we technically had 2. March 12th we were supposed to go on our first date. (Also, it's worth mentioning that February involved some of the most frustrating moments of my life trying to figure out if Rob was just the world's greatest gentlemen, or the worlds greatest best friend, or flirting with me, or all three. I had absolutely no idea what to think about the situation besides the fact that I was crazy about him and had no idea how to cross the line. Which he ended up doing in the best way possible. So really I had nothing to freak out about. But I did. Everyday.)
March 12th, however, the roadies were in town. As well as 14 people who had just finished sleeping outside of Senator Coburns office in Oklahoma City. So our first "date" meant eating Chick-Fil-A with the roadies and Tony and Richard, and showing them Shirley and the sunset. It was the perfect bridge of my worlds. And a really great picture of the magic that was to come. And literally every day since that day things have only gotten better and better. I learned that sometimes seeing him meant spending the wee hours of the morning with him at the church while he worked and I helped as best I could. And I learned that he is one of the most intelligent men anyone will meet. He knows what to do, no matter what you're doing. He is incredible at his work and He follows God where he leads. He leads students with ease and isn't afraid to stand strong in his opinion. He also opens my car doors and randomly buys me lunch and pumps my gas and watches my ballet classes. I love thinking about the lives we're creating.
Then summer came. And summer meant late nights with my best friends. Swimming at my dad's every week. MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD. Frozen yogurt and trips to Denver (one of my favorite trips I've ever had) and Rob getting sunburnt and movies and so much love. Delaney was home from South Africa and I got to reconnect with her all summer long. Catan games every Sunday and 212 every Tuesday. Then July 12th happened. I'll never forget that day as long as I live.
It was a Sunday. We all had gone to church the night before so we could watch the World Cup game at Rob's Parents place, which started at noon. There were SO many people there. Lots of food, and cheering and vuvuzelas and it was amazing! A good game and so much love. I had a Therefore Go meeting that day at 4, and right before I left Rob's house to head to flying star, I heard from Natalie that there was a bombing in Kampala, Uganda. We immediately started trying to figure out if we had any friends there, as most of the time our friends are far north of Kampala. I spent the meeting working hard on stalking every news site, twitter and facebook contact I could find. Having this pit in my stomach knowing that I have people I love at risk. We heard that there was an American killed, and several others wounded. I headed back to Rob's house, with still no idea where my friends were, and if they were safe. We began watching Sherlock Holmes. I was clinging to my phone. Natalie calls, I step outside right as Natalie tells me that our friend and IC family member Nate was the american killed. I fell to the ground in Rob's front yard, not knowing what to think. I don't think either of us said anything for at least 2 minutes. Rob came outside and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him no, hang up with Natalie, and actually say out loud "Nate is the American who died. My friend Nate just died."
And even though we know that Nate was a man of God and he beat us all to heaven, the mourning process was one that I was seriously unfamiliar with. I'd never known anyone who had died. I didn't even know how to breathe for the next 2 days. I ate french fries and coffee the next day at work. And nearly threw up every time I had some free time. That weekend was Nate's memorial. Shawn and I drove to San Diego to be with the family and to celebrate the life that Nate lived. I stayed at the Roadie house, I drove around San Diego with Shawn and Natalie. We went to our old Yogurtland and our favorite beach. We celebrated a blessed life.
And like any death does, it made me really think hard about the families and the circles I'm in. The influence I have on people. The influence Nate had on me. The next week, Chris Baillie died in a hiking accident. I was floored that God took two faithful and revolutionary men from us within 9 days of each other. I was heart broken and numb for weeks. During the month of July I learned that this world can be more painful than I really had known before. I experienced death first hand.
"Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance. you are not alone in this, you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and we will hold your hand."
July 14th I became Rob's girlfriend, officially. (What a week, I know.) And the 6 months since then have been months full of commitment and service and true care for one another. Of sunrises and sunsets and trips to Santa Fe and dinners with his family and Christmas together and I could spend an entire blog this length talking only about him, but that'd bore most of you, so I will restrain myself. And it's more than just the cheesy things. It's doing nothing at his house, but knowing I'm always welcome there. It's talking about real things, real struggles and real frustrations. Real victories. It's knowing that I can count on him to answer his phone and never flake out. It's the security I've never had.
Looking back, the biggest events of my year happened before July. Needless to say, I learned a lot this year. I've been challenged and strengthened in my faith, and have found the community I've spent so much time yearning for. My best friends and my church have created the sort of world I've always wanted. The kind of family I have with Invisible Children. I cherish our late night chats and our hard talks and our catan games and our nights spent at the church cleaning the production loft more than I can ever say.
And I know a lot of this blog was just a chronological account of my year. But in all of these events and people and students and lives and interactions I've had the most incredible year of my life. If you're reading this, I promise you've had a part in my growth and my strength this year.
Looking forward, I know 2011 will be solely about God. I know that i want to challenge myself in my faith in ways I haven't yet and I want to know more about God's heart, now that I've learned an incredible amount about His church and His work here on earth. I know that God will be leading my relationship, my education, my leadership. Everything. And I want to work on letting God heal the hurts I have that I've never recognized or brought out in the open. I want God to help me in my insecurities and in my addictions and in my slip ups. And I want to be better at documenting it all. It feels good to be beginning a year with the drive and determination and focus and calling that I didn't have last year. I can't wait for things to take off.
I don't really know how to end this. I just spent 2 hours going over the last 12 months of my life and it's crazy to think that my life is barreling forward, and tomorrow and the next day and the next are days I'm going to remember. Sorry this has been quite a novel. I guess it was more for me than for you but if you made it this far I applaud you.
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