on: winter.

Most people have their quirks. I can't sleep if a door is open. I'm obsessed with sunrises and the color yellow. I can't stand open backpacks (and stalk people and close their backpacks if they're open...) and I am comfortable when wearing a hat. I like public speaking and economics and pasta is my comfort food. I also hate the cold.

And I mean, I don't just think it's annoying and I don't find much comfort in knowing that with the cold comes the holidays, I actually truly just hate the cold. And I kind of hate that about myself. Recently, it's bothered me, and I'll explain why.

Mainly, because I actually let the cold effect my mood. All winter I hate being outside and I don't like going to school because that means walking around campus all day and I don't like sitting in my cold car at night and it brings a damper to my day. And it effects my ability to be present, to love the time and space I'm in, to love my friends and my job and my apartment and my car. It makes me always want to be somewhere else. I always dream about moving to southern California where it's always warm and I imagine a sparkling perfect life there, simply because the weather is warmer. Well, I know that people in San Diego still have bad days, even when the weather is perfect in February.

So I'm going to work on being present. On loving my family and my car and my church and my school and my job and my boyfriend to the best of my ability, and not wishing to be anywhere else. In an effort to begin this Albuquerque loving transformation, I (finally) changed my clock from San Diego time to Albuquerque time last night. I've been home for 11 months and it's still reflected the time in the place where I love the most. The time where I wish I was. And so judge me all you want, but it took me 15 minutes to finally switch my time back to Albuquerque time, that's how much I struggle with being present.

And then I think about it. I would sincerely miss this place like crazy if I were to go anywhere. I'd miss Rob. I'd miss church. I'd miss my sister. And while I wouldn't miss the cold one single tiny bit, I'd miss my life here in the cold. And with that thought process, and some divine assistance, I know I can learn to love the place God has me in even more than I do now.

"and though this winter does nothing but storm, the Joy in my heart is ablaze, and it's keeping me warm."

on: birthdays and long lost friends.

Sorry for neglecting you, blog, for so long. I promise I'll try to never do it again.


Tuesday was Rob's birthday! I seriously love birthdays. It's one day to truly celebrate someone for everything they are! A day to sit down and tell them all the reasons why you like being their friend. And if you've known my life in the last few years you know that I've gotten more and more fond of having Rob in my life, and that feeling still grows every day. So i sent him on a day long scavenger hunt to find little envelopes, all containing different things I like about him.

Yeah okay say it "awww," I heard it all day long. But not surprisingly people were questioning if I also got him a "real gift." Because that's what birthdays have turned into. It's moved from celebrating someone and truly appreciating their birth to honoring them with a gift. Something of some worldly value. I knew that Rob would appreciate a day of little smiles and I really didn't want to simply buy him a present, I wanted him to know the little things I appreciate about him. To have a list to look back on. I wanted him to know that I like his obsession with peanut butter, and that I like his singing voice. And I was so fulfilled when he truly appreciated everything I told him. It was one of my favorite projects I've ever worked on.  I just love birthdays so much. And Rob's was so much fun. :)

And now I'm lying here in my room with 6 sleepy world changing people asleep all over the couches, floors and extra beds in my little apartment. And every single time I host roadies at the end of tour it's the same. They get here, they laugh a lot, and then they crash. Changing the world is tiring, you know. And every time a tour comes through I just love the feeling of community and family they bring with. It's refreshing every time I meet new roadies at how unique they all are, but how every one of them has the love of people just naturally woven into them. And whether I've met them or not, or whether they're from America or Canada or Australia or Uganda, we all have a sense of community. It's the best lesson I've ever learned from IC. It's not even truly possible to put down in words. You simply have to experience it to know it.

It's also an incredible feeling to know that I have close friends in several continents in many countries and nearly every state in America. That my heart stretches all across the world now and that I'm blessed with friends who are willing to stay in touch, and even when we lose touch for a month or two, it's as if nothing has changed when we talk again. That these people will never be long lost friends to me, simply family members who talk whenever possible and who will always be there for each other in times of pain or loss, or in times of joy and celebration. I've learned all of these things this year and every time I host a new team of roadies, I remember all of this.

My life is just full of incredible loving people, and I am so blessed to know every one of them.

on: janelle being wonderful. and flirting.

My dear friend Janelle wrote this here. I just want you all to read this. Because she put everything so adorably. And I want this too.

"Here's the deal, I want to flirt with my husband.

And I don't just mean when we're dating, or the first few years of marriage... but 50 years down the road when I'm frumpy and he's balding.

I want be 55 and still buy lingerie to wear for him, because I hope he still thinks I'm sexy.

I want to text him flirty texts and surprise him with his favourite dinner, served while wearing a catwoman costume... because why the heck not?

I hope we make fun of each other all the time, I know I'm ridiculous... and if he's married to me, he'll have to be.

I want him to bring me tulips and lilies when we are old, because he knows me well enough to not get me roses.

I want to dance with him.. and not just that wimpy swaying back and forth... I want to tango, to salsa, to waltz with him on into the night. Put on a long dress... or maybe just a nightgown, and dance.

I want to travel the world with him, and live overseas with him, keeping a record of all the places we've visited... or, well.. nevermind.

I hope we people watch. That sounds so silly, but you know it's fun. We'll imitate the new couples as they are first falling in love, and ooh and ahh over each other like the young marrieds do. We'll laugh at awkward outfits and funny looking puppies, and roll our eyes at the pulled together business man who walks with an arrogant strut.

I want to give him my "dear future husband" journal at our wedding... and start a new one: full of fun facts and cute things that made me think of him during the day, so that each week, he has something new that I reveal or a new secret I let him in on (like how smokin hot I think he looks in his old geezer glasses).

I desperately hope that our idea of a good time when we are 65 is not just watching a sappy movie, but that we have picnics, set up a hammock in the woods, hike, make matching tie-dye shirts.

I want to fall madly in love with my husband every single day, and I want to grow with him in Christ as Christ directs us. I want to be overwhelmed with how much he listens to the Lord in the hard times, and I want him to be the leader during rough patches. I know that there will be fights and anger, but I trust that having Christ as our center will help us get through our problems.

And I hope that even after all the sickness, laughter, tears, babies, headaches, joy, family losses, and arguments...

I hope that we flirt."

on: being the light.

If there's one thing that I want to me more than anything in this world, it is light. It is to be a vessel through which Christ can work, and I know I don't have to visit Africa or Mexico to enter a missions field, that I am in one daily.

I've experienced time after time people recognizing the strength and power of Christ in me without even realizing it. I once heard Dustin mention how people can avoid the church at all costs until their parents are divorced, or someone they love dies, or their family is in ruins. Because people know that God and His church are a place of power and miracles, even though they may not admit it. And as soon as things in their life start crumbling down, those people end up running to Christ and His church even if they've never had a relationship with Him before.

The same thing can be seen in the people who ask advice of me, or who seek Wake and 212 without proclaiming that they're truly seeking Christ. People who I rarely talk to know that I believe and follow Christ and they will randomly facebook me or text me for advice in tough situations, because they recognize the power of Christ. I'm always amazed at how one meeting or conversation can have an impact on someone.

My students are experiencing this right now in a big way. We've started these "212 On Site" clubs on 2 different high school campuses and we're expanding pretty much weekly. Which in and of itself is wild. Last week one of our high schools had 28 students at their launch. Which is awesome! But THIS week, the week that the studying and seeking God really started, they had 45 students! I know these students are desperately seeking God and they don't even know it yet. Because Tory and Jaydon and all of the On Site leaders at all the schools have been such incredible vessels for Christ already, the students around them know that inside of them is something powerful and saving and they want to know what they have. And we're watching students seek Christ during their lunch hour at their high school just because they want to. And it's amazing to watch our students be a light on their campus.

All this to say, I'm constantly amazed at how God works through us. The miracles he does today are through people like you and I who are simply living lives that reflect His love to the people around us. And it's changing lives.

on: the last few hours.

I just have to put out here that I am completely overwhelmed, frustrated and tired, but even more than all that, I'm extremely blessed by my boyfriend. He's really good at calming me down while encouraging me and telling me I'm wrong, that no I'm not crazy, and not making me feel dumb.

I just am constantly overwhelmed by how much we influence we have on each other here in this life, how much the things we say and do effect everything. And I'm so lucky to have him around to influence and encourage me in all the ways he does.

That's all, I'm done being 12. Happiest of Wednesdays, followers.

on: spiders and heartbreak.

I'm really turned upside down today because my sister had her first real boyfriend, and broke up with him today. And I know every high school sophomore has a decent amount of distractions and relationships get boring and the people that you date really might not be right, but I can't help but feel heartbroken for the whole situation. High school isn't necessarily the time to be committing long term to someone, sure, but there's still a lot of emotion and turmoil and heartbreak and I feel like I'm reliving it all through my sister.

Meanwhile I'm cuddling with puppies and avoiding spiders (and fake, imaginary spiders. and spiderwebs. and spiders in his hair and that he makes with his hands. shiver.) with my amazing boyfriend and I can look back at all the events and conversations and smiles that got us where we are. Why are things so different for people who are 2 and 3 years younger than ourselves? At what point did I get to the point where I was capable of a serious long term relationship?

Even just the other day I was shopping with my mom and we were talking about Taylor Swift's song "Mine" (yeah, shut up) and she was talking about how nice the the dream was and her exact words were "It'll never happen. Everyone always leaves." And the only thing I said was "I don't believe that." and that was that. My mom has this intensely cynical relationship view and it breaks my heart to see her complete disbelief in long term marriage and real love. Why am I capable of a serious long term relationship when even my mother isn't? Shouldn't she be the one leading me through the steps it takes to create a healthy relationship?

I'm sure some of the heartache I'm feeling for my sister and her ex boyfriend have nothing to do with them at all. I'm afraid of ever having to feel that feeling again. I'm terrified of becoming like every single other member of my extended family.  And I want my baby sister to know that there are relationships that don't fail. That love is real and that when we find the right person, we experience it everything, including things like milk and coffee shops. Life is full of wonderful interactions that sometimes become history, and I just have to accept that I can't fix my mother's relationships nor can I create my sister's. But it's definitely not easy. Not tonight.

on: silence.

When you're little you're told to only speak if you're spoken to. To hold your tongue, and be a lady. To not complain about things given to you or the things in your home. I'll be the absolute first to tell you that I'm pretty bad at all of those things. I speak my mind. I bicker. I'll tell strangers about myself. I complain about not sleeping. I mindlessly ramble to anyone who will listen. I absolutely talk, way too much. Why?

But at the same time, I've never been able to communicate things that aren't happy and perfect and exactly what people want to hear. If I have a problem, a serious one, you likely won't hear about it. Even the people closest to me. If I know that the news I have to tell you isn't great, I'll sugar coat the answer. I'll absorb some of the problem and deal it with it myself so I don't have to tell you. I won't be openly honest with anyone about my own insecurities, fears, bad grades, or issues. I won't tell you if something is wrong in our relationship. Even when my best friend drives me crazy and does something that totally pisses me off and lets me down, I won't tell her. If I'm mad at people most important to me, I won't tell them. I'm afraid they'll be offended and walk away. I won't mention something I think is important, because I think I'm afraid everyone else won't think it's as important. I have some hidden belief that I should deal with my own issues. That no one else should have to hear the things that aren't great. I remain silent.

Over the years I've created this reputation in myself that I'm afraid I'll break if I complain once. I'm the girl who exemplifies the color I love, yellow. I never complain, I never get upset about how people treat me. I can roll anything off my shoulder. I'm optimistic. I won't let any issue get in the way of my happiness. But sometimes, issues do.

I'm even having trouble admitting I have a problem communicating the things I don't think anyone will want to hear. Why can I talk so, so much about things that are generally pointless, and not say a word about everything I actually spend my time dealing with? Why have I been trained to be silent?


** Can I just tell you that while I was finishing this up "Say" by John Mayer came up on my Pandora station? That's all.