on: things realized.

This blog is gonna be different. I might not even post it. It's more for me than for you, I suppose.

I've realized that the cold and I really can get along. It may or may not have taken a miserable 5 hours in 21 degree weather while lying on the frozen ground for that to happen... but I mean, God sometimes hits you over the head with the things you pray for. (And I really did enjoy that night of shooting video, I promise.)

I've realized I'm horrible at freaking myself out, and I don't do well living alone. I honestly don't know how I did it before. I never, ever want to live by myself again. I get scared and lonely just housesitting for 5 days. That I don't like sleeping in my own house and I'll never be independent enough to live by myself in my own house like some other girls I know, and I'm okay with that.

I've realized I'm spoiled. I get to see my boyfriend every day. We have similar schedules and spend lots of time together. Lots of my friends don't have that luxury. And the fact that I'm missing him so much while he's only been out of town for 3 days is kind of ridiculous. And I'm mad at myself for getting this way. (Housesitting for his parents PROBS doesn't help that situation, but I mean, still.)

I've realized that the reason I do miss him so much is because we do have something special. That I don't just miss the companionship and company, I miss the relationship that we have in person that really can't be explained, or shared through text messaging. Because it's more special than that. It's in his spontaneous remarks and wit. And I miss that when he's not around.

I've realized that I miss this time last year so much because of the family that it created. Because although I loved loved loved singing at 3 am in the pouring rain, it was about something deeper than that. It was about the fact that there were 15 of us doing that and that we loved each other intensely and we were the family I've never had. That Thanksgiving was so special because it really was about being thankful for each other. It was about community and family and love and it wasn't about family politics or football games or even really the food. I don't know how to recreate that and that absolutely terrifies me to death. I have to recreate that.

All for now, suppose.