on: sexuality. yeah, i said it.

It's 1:01 am, I have ten tons of homework to do, I'm 3 days behind in my bible study and I only slept 4 hours last night. Yet something won't let me settle in calmly. I heard a very talented man speak on a subject dear to my heart today and I'm not really sure how to digest it yet. We'll see if this helps. Please prepare for some unrehearsed statements.

His name is Ricky Chelette (the t's ARE pronounced, I learned) and he is the executive director of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Texas. (livehope.org is their website) His organization helps people who struggle with sexual struggles of any kind, particularly people who struggle with homosexuality.

Before I go any further, let's get something out on the table. I mean what I say when I say 'struggle with homosexuality' or 'same gender attraction' as Ricky put it. I believe in every word of the bible, I believe that God created man and woman to be together and I don't believe that people can be living in God's full will while living in a homosexual lifestyle. Same as I believe that people can't be living in God's full will for their lives while they're addicted to pornography or cheating on their wife or having sex outside of marriage or anything else that is just pulling them away from Christ and following him. Not condemning homosexual behavior ANY more than my own, because we are ALL in need of a savior and I am always very aware of my short comings and struggles and sins and, well, hopefully you get the picture at this point.

That all being said, there's always been a soft spot in my heart for those who deal with same gender attraction. (Enter ex-boyfriend jokes here. If you know the stories then yes, you can laugh.) Now that the jokes are over, I'm being completely serious. I've dealt with a lot of sexual issues in my past too. I've had sex, I've gotten addicted to the power of it, and I got worn out by the emotional wars that come when sex isn't in God's will. That's another blog.  I have always, though, really searched for an answer and for a straight black and white answer that wasn't so harsh as what is generally perceived from Christians towards people who struggle with all this.

I get offended when people make gay jokes. I hate when people use the word gay as some sort of slang or derrogatory term. But I do think the behavior is wrong, so I've always been confused about how to completely conquer the topic. (Do you see the thought vomit yet? Still don't really know where I'm going with this...)

But today everything Ricky said made complete sense. I know that the way we're genetically predisposed changes how we need to be nurtured. I understand what he said when he talked about the difference between a mother's love and affection and a father's love and affection in a young boy. And I know that some of my closest guy friends are who Ricky called the "sensitive" type, who may be more predisposed to struggle with homosexual behavior. And I love them even more because of that. Because they know who they are in God's sight and they are men of God regardless of who the outside world would label them as. I think that Ricky's way of talking through every little detail that men go through was extremely insightful and I will never forget that information when I have children. (Which I feel like I WILL have a son, just because I'll have NO CLUE what to do with a son. Oh Lord.) I just cannot express the value of the information and insight Ricky shared.

That being said too, I absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot stand when someone can take one look at a man's behavior and immediately label him as gay. If he has dispositions one way or another and behaviors one way or another that says nothing about his sexuality. I've met some pretty dang flamboyant men who were being outrageous for Christ. And no one would know on first glance. Also, know that I'm not saying that homosexuality is something that's easy to combat or understand or comprehend or shake off. I only know that Ricky gave some awesome ways of beginning to unravel the mystery today.

All of this may be called naive or childish and I might be called a blind Christian or whatever. But like I said, I believe that it's wrong, just like all my struggles are too. I just know that I have this heart in me for people who struggle sexually. Because I've known some incredible men who have. And I personally have struggled sexually beyond belief. I'm just all wrapped up in thought about it tonight and if this confused or offended anyone, totally sorry.

Tomorrow I might have another blog, because tomorrow I'm getting to see him again, where he'll be talking more about woman's sexuality. Really excited. Stay tuned for more sexuality thought vomit. (Yikes.)