on: silence.

When you're little you're told to only speak if you're spoken to. To hold your tongue, and be a lady. To not complain about things given to you or the things in your home. I'll be the absolute first to tell you that I'm pretty bad at all of those things. I speak my mind. I bicker. I'll tell strangers about myself. I complain about not sleeping. I mindlessly ramble to anyone who will listen. I absolutely talk, way too much. Why?

But at the same time, I've never been able to communicate things that aren't happy and perfect and exactly what people want to hear. If I have a problem, a serious one, you likely won't hear about it. Even the people closest to me. If I know that the news I have to tell you isn't great, I'll sugar coat the answer. I'll absorb some of the problem and deal it with it myself so I don't have to tell you. I won't be openly honest with anyone about my own insecurities, fears, bad grades, or issues. I won't tell you if something is wrong in our relationship. Even when my best friend drives me crazy and does something that totally pisses me off and lets me down, I won't tell her. If I'm mad at people most important to me, I won't tell them. I'm afraid they'll be offended and walk away. I won't mention something I think is important, because I think I'm afraid everyone else won't think it's as important. I have some hidden belief that I should deal with my own issues. That no one else should have to hear the things that aren't great. I remain silent.

Over the years I've created this reputation in myself that I'm afraid I'll break if I complain once. I'm the girl who exemplifies the color I love, yellow. I never complain, I never get upset about how people treat me. I can roll anything off my shoulder. I'm optimistic. I won't let any issue get in the way of my happiness. But sometimes, issues do.

I'm even having trouble admitting I have a problem communicating the things I don't think anyone will want to hear. Why can I talk so, so much about things that are generally pointless, and not say a word about everything I actually spend my time dealing with? Why have I been trained to be silent?


** Can I just tell you that while I was finishing this up "Say" by John Mayer came up on my Pandora station? That's all.